Thrifty Tips #4

Funny story written by birbee

Monday, 6 July 2009

Part 4 of our occasional series, brought to you occasionally, is quite possibly the biggest money spinner ever to be published on a free public website.

It is so big, potentially, that I am in two minds as to whether to carry on writing or go and see if it has actually worked for myself.

You see, I am in the early stages of trials for this Thrifty Tip, but I am so excited about the potential that I felt I had to share it with you, the reader.

Do you remember the old flower press that your sister may have had, probably bought from Woolworths therefore no longer available for obvious reasons? Well this cheap piece of tat, if you (or she, and if it is she that has it still, steal it) could potentially prove invaluable.

They say diamonds are a girls best friend, well I believe they are a man's best friend too, if they make him money or allow him to score 'brownie' points, or even lead to getting laid.

This Thrifty Tip is going to tell you how you can make your very own diamonds, in your own home, possibly.

Now, as well as the flower press, you know the one, it was a couple of bits of wood with loads of sheets of cardboard in between, held together with some threaded bar and four wingnuts, you also need a piece of coal.

Standard open fire house coal maybe a little big for the novice, so it may be advisable to start with an Anthracite Grain. Adrian Gooding of Doncaster sells this and is very reasonable.

It's fairly common knowledge that diamonds are made out of coal, so this shouldn't be too difficult with the right tools and a bit of know how.

Place the grain of Anthracite in the middle of the flower press and screw up the wingnuts as tight as your fingers will allow.
You may have to ask your Dad to help you with this bit.

Or an Uncle.

Once they are nice and tight, try to remember if any of your friends are blacksmiths, or at least have an anvil.

Place said anvil on top of the flower press, carefully to avoid unnecessary damage.

Place the Anthracite, flower press and anvil, if you were lucky enough to lay your games on one, in the airing cupboard and leave.

After a couple of years remove the anvil, undo the little wingnuts and remove your freshly grown diamond.

If you still have a piece of coal, repeat the whole process.

Good luck, and I'll see you at Ratners in 2012.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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