Written by MsTerri

Saturday, 21 February 2009


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Advice From Laura Bush:

Dear Laura

I am a very old woman with not much time left so can you tell me your secret for keeping happy and young?

Crone In Colorado

Dear Crone:

I get my face lifted and tucked as often as possible.

My Georgie thinks I go away on camping trips but the truth is I make trips to Dr. Peal who tells me I have the bone structure of a young horse. That and when my Georgie is having personal meetings with Jeff Gannon I sneak into one of the maintenance closets and light up a big fat one.


Dear Laura

What happened to the twins?

Curious in Intercourse Pa.

Dear Curious:

The girls are very busy with their personal lives and no matter how much they showed themselves to get their daddy elected they want you to stay out of their business!! You have no reason to know how drunk they get or how many drugs they take or the endless parties and the romps on barroom floors!


Dear Laura:

What was your role be at the Republican convention?

Curious Carol

Dear Carol-

I paraded 200 school children around the arena waving flags.

I also read from a variety of books and the president did fingerpainting. Wasn't it wonderful to have a president that 8 year olds could relate to?


Dear Laura:

I was infuriated that you refused to show up with P-Diddy to bring out the votes. Why are you such a snob? What have you done for anyone?

Mad In Colorado

Dear Mad:

As you know I am not accustom to associating with the P-Diddy types.
Oh sure, my girls bring all sorts of unsavory characters to the ranch but my Georgie always makes sure that he frisks them personally.

Why sometimes it takes him hours in the back room just to be through.

What have I done for anyone you ask, can I get back to you on that one, the maid is bringing my nightly wine.


Dear Laura:

How do you feel about your husband calling you "the lump in his bed?"

Dumb in Tenn.

Dear Dumb:

If you knew my Georgie as well as I do you would understand that remark. He is not much into lovin this lump as he has other "fish" to fry if ya know what I mean.


Dear Laura:

Why were you so invisble to the country? We never saw you do much of anything but grin.

Debbie In Detroit

Dear Debbie-

I just loved them little sips of wine that the servants brought me every morning.
I just wish they would have stopped hiding my cigaretts. My Georgie said I should be not seen and not heard. His Mother Babs says I'm better off kept in the dark. I can't imagine why.<grin>


Dear Laura:

My son is in the military service and is fighting in Iraq. I have just learned that your husband has cut the benefits to the military vets and quite frankly I am very angry. Why did he do that?

Pissed off in Atlanta

Dear Pissed Off-

How do you expect my hubby and his men to profit from this nasty little war if he gives all them perks to the military vets? They served their purpose and my Georgie says most of them are of no use to him now. If they can't get out of the wheelchairs and do something patriotic for their country..well, that's just un-American!


Dear Laura:

Where in the world are your daughters? You do have daughters don't you?

Curious in Kansas

Dear Curious:

If you find them please let me know. The dear girls just seem to have drifted off somewhere.


Dear Laura:

What are your feelings about the demonstrations, protesting your husband over there in Germany? Wow, we don't get to see that here in America. He's not well loved like Clinton, is he.

Patriot in Pa.

Dear Patriot:

Oh Pshaw,

The whole world loves my Bush. Why, them mean ole media people just got it all wrong. That was a movie set is all. And no, this does not go on here in America. My husband will have none of that silliness. Clinton, Clinton, Clinton. Can't you people let him go for goodness sakes!

Dear Laura

You don't do much work for women's causes and I was wondering why?

Puzzled In Peoria

Dear Puzzled-

Last time I spoke up about Roe Vs Wade Karen Hughes rushed me back to the ranch and
gave me a frightful tongue lashing.

I'm not really sure she's a woman she has the biggest hands and feet I've ever seen.


Dear Laura:

Where are your twins? I never see them with you and the president.

There is never any holiday photos and it seems that they just don't exist. Could you explain why a family that touts family values seems to hide their children?

Suspicious in Sarasota

Dear Suspicious:

Jenna is busy with her studies, she's learning to be a bartender and that takes some real serious testing. She burns the midnight oil to get the right combinations. I think it's very hard for her because when I call she tells me she is testing the recipes and she sounds so tired, slurring her words and all. <shrug> Barbara is playing the part of the customer. It's so cute. We have family photos with them but they all seem to come out with that red eye problem on the girls. Karen Hughes will not allow them to be exposed, umm I mean viewed.


Dear Laura:

I have a hard time getting my kids age 8 and 10 to do their chores.

Do you have a suggestion?

Mommy in Tampa

Dear Mommy:

Color codes work well in our house. Uncle Dick and uncle Ridge have color coded everything in Crawford Texas and in the White House.

When my George sees a big red spot on the liquor cabinet he knows he can't open it that day, red means danger. He went against the code one day while eating pretzels and ya'all know what happened. Color code their chores, and if they finish all of them tell them they are real patriots,( that works for George with the people) and that the president will read to them someday.


Dear Laura:

I saw your husband at a concert where Stevie Wonder was playing. I was surprised when I saw him wave to Mr. Wonder. Is the president not aware that Stevie is blind?

Confused in Colorado

Dear confused,

my husband is a friendly guy and I'm sure he felt that Mr. Wonder felt that wave in his soul. I'm not real clear why he asked him if he would like to drive our SUV though.


Dear Laura

I have to say, I think you always looks medicated and a bit loopy. Can you put my mind at ease that you are not all hopped up on something?

Worried in Arkansas

Dear Worried.

I have to take a mild tranquilizer to keep my wits about me. I did make one teeny weeny mistake though. Instead of pricking George's boil I boiled George's p- - - -. Isn't the world beautiful? lalalalal lalala


Dear Laura-

I have a boil on my cheek and was wondering how to cover it up.

I noticed that your husband has them often and you see the scar one day and then the next day it's gone, what's the secret?

Boiling in Boston

Dear Boiling...

My George has so many problems like that but we have found that applying toothpaste, let it dry and then apply some makeup does the trick. Of course we tried that on his butt but Karen Hughes fussed something awful. Seems Karen has her face too close to some places. <sigh>


Dear Laura..

Do you think I should only have sex to have children?

Fertile at Myrtle Beach

Dear Fertile-

No, I think it's OK to have sex to get a new set of coffee mugs or to get
some polyester material and a McCalls dress pattern.

Didn't Jesus say go sew or was that sow?


Dear Laura..

I have a severe swearing problem. I will be at social gatherings or at church and all of a sudden I start cursing like a parrot. I have been checked for touretts syndrome but the doctors say I don't have it. What can I do?

Nita The Bitch

Dear Bitch-

The air gets blue around here also. Why, you get Poppy and Mother Bush in a room with George and they are always cursing at each other. I found the best way to settle them down is to keep their mouths full with some of my delicate baked goods. Ladyfingers do well, but Mother Bush says I'm a pretentious whore with no creativity.<shrug>


Dear Laura

I have trouble hiding my big fat butt. I like to wear pleats but they make me look like an elephant. What do you suggest?

Gerri In Washington State

Dear Gerri-

I have learned that hiding a big butt is a hard thing to do. I do have a few tricks though. Pant suits, lots of them. I like the ones in K-Mart because everyone wears them and you can see what you look like at every turn.

George suggested I get a designer but he likes to dress me like the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, I'm not sure that look is right for me. I mean, I'm matronly now and need to present a more down home image. Stay away from twinkies,continue using the two chairs at the computer and have fun.


Dear Laura...

I know it's different to have a guy write to you but my wife snores and farts in her sleep. I can't tell her because she will feel foolish. I'm losing sleep here and need help.

P.Tac. Sleepless in Minn.

Dear Sleepless-

I have had the same problem with George for years.<sigh>

I have found a way to stop the snoring but the farting continues.

For snoring: Open her mouth and spray some WD40 to the back of the throat.

For farting: Feed her baked beans laced with pineapple, at least she will fart Hawaiian music. I tried baked beans laced with hot chili peppers (not recommended) the bedroom still smells like a septic tank.


Dear Laura-

I have a trailer that is pretty rundown. I want some decorating ideas if you would be so kind. I have two bedrooms that are very small and a very offensive bathroom. I love what you did with the ranch in Crawford, I loved the red hankies that you tacked on the walls. How can I decorate my trailer?

Moldy Marge in Florida

Dear Moldy Marge-

I think you should put in another toilet next to the one you have in there. It will give that personal touch to family and guest that have to *go* at the same time. I did this and you will never know the bonding that has happened when Karen Hughes, uncle Dick, and Colin Powell come to visit. You can hardly drag George out of the bathroom. Why they have had complete policy setting chats in there, I love how much they communicate. George gets all excited and say he just loves his "menstruation" He means administration.


Dear Laura:

I am having a problem with making my husband take notice of me. How do you get George to notice you?

Frazzled Franz in New York.

Fear Frazzled..

With George it's quite easy. I just put on a mask of Uncle Dick Cheney and he's all over me like a duck on a June bug.


Dear Laura-

I have not been able to get my teenagers to stick to the rules of the home. How do you get your twins to obey them

Tuckered out in Topeka

Dear Tuckered-

George and I pride ourselves on how well our daughters obey the rules. Of course when they leave the house they get a little *spirited*. George said they'll be OK when they reach 40 just like him. So hang in there, they will turn out just like my George one day. I have to go, George is running naked through the pasture.


Dear Laura-

My name is Harriet and I have been very bad. I have fleeced some friends out of money, cheated on my husband with a transvestite online. How can I tell my family and still keep my relationship with Pat, the transvestite?

Horny Harriet in California

Dear Horny Harriet-

You must tell your family immediately! God hates people that like to dress up as the other sex. My George wore one of my bras once and the very next day he broke out in boils on his face. You must get on your knees.

Let me clarify that. You must get on your knees and beg forgiveness for your transgressions. I am disturbed that you feel the need to keep Pat the transvestite as well as your husband. Maybe you could ask the husband to put on one of your cute little polyester dresses and put romance back into your marriage. I can send you a list of some good anti boil medicines.


Dear Laura-

What do you do for pest problems?

Dianne P.

Dear Dianne P.

I just let him do his thing. I try to be patient with all the pest that invade my
home. That reminds me, Poppy and Mother Babs will be here today.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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