Rules to Determine if Sex Counts

Written by norma snockers

Monday, 23 June 2008


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

Here is a list of rules that may be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other:

1. Oral Sex does not count. That much has been established.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, it doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, it doesn't count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, it doesn't count.

5. Sex with a friend doesn't count; it's just another thing for you to share together! (Now you have something to tell women when they say they just want to be friends!)

6. If the act was so lame you leave thinking, "Did I really need a shower for that?" doesn't count.

7. An old flame, doesn't count. This is just called final closure.

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count. This is mercy sex.

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same. Nope doesn't count, since masturbation isn't sex. That too has been established.

10. Cyber-sex? NO WAY! This is glorified masturbation.

11. Two heterosexual women intimate fun, but not sex, doesn't count.

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other on a first- name basis.

14. A sexual act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other doesn't count. This should just be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet."

16. Acts committed in a public place doesn't count. (Why should it? It was public, right?).

17. Phone sex doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified masturbation. "

18. Sex in car, doesn't count. Way too cramped to really enjoy it. However, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, because it is way too kinky and erotic NOT TO count. Well, unless the act was totally oral. If so, refer back to rule #1.

19. An act in which the female did not achieve total satisfaction doesn't count.

20. An act in which no kissing takes place doesn't count, because it isn't consider intimate.

21. An act in which "you do all the work" doesn't count. That's work!

22. An act committed with your next door neighbor doesn't count. This should be referred to as "being neighborly."

23. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count. Well, you were angry, and everyone knows no one is responsible for their own feelings. See rule #14.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count. This should be considered "getting acquainted."

26. An act with a US President, doesn't count, unless the Senate votes to impeach.

27. An act with your boss, doesn't count. This is just considered career enhancement and/or additional employee benefits.

WARNING: Any sex that results in pregnancy, or a social disease DOES count, since such things provide constant reminders.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Related Stories...

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more