Enraged Older Actresses Besiege Tinsel Town and New York City Producers and Directors

Funny story written by Natowsky

Thursday, 27 March 2008


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"Like man...today's flicks are for studs and hotties. Hey, Burrito, tell 'em!"

"Spence's Movie Time...Spense knows Film!"

OK. You and your date...wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, mistress, boy toy, whatever, just have to go out and see a flick. Chances are you guys are mostly 18-35, the bulk of the movie-going audience.

You get to your seat with your snacks and get bombarded with commercials and previews. Then, the MegaTheater advertisent comes on to blind and deafen you. OK, now it's movie time and a hush falls upon the audience in anticipation of the opening scene!

About halfway through, you say to yourself, "Hey, is anybody over 40, anymore?" And, that's the big Q actresses are asking, too. "Why the fuck aren't they writing parts for us great actresses over 40,?" said one thespian, Macy Stritt, in her 70s and in a an oxygen tent. Another actress, 63, threatend a big movie mogul in Hollywood last week and only a fast-thinking secretary grabbed the scalpel away quickly enough to avoid a complete castration! "Would have made a great movie, anyway, folks...see what I mean by slice and dice!!!"

I, The Spense, will now rattle off actresses, who get no parts, except as "has beens" on Law and Disorder or other bit parts, where the face and body fat, "shrivel," and aging hide the original look. Here we go. You know them all and they are pissed:

Jessica Languish
Jane Founda
Amy Erving
Liza Minella
Diane Keatoff
Marlo Thomast
Shelly Longish
Holly Hunting
Karen Allin
Candied Bergens
Jamie Lee Curtits
Mug Ryen
et al

So, which ladies get the parts? But first, part of the reason for the names' coming up is that the movie guys just don't make a thinking person's movie, anymore: Why think when you've got a cell phone and ask about the broccoli right at the supermarket with spousy on the other end of the line?!!!

Movies today are genre only: slice/dice/gruesome (for teens, that bloody mood, and foolng around later); chick/wedding flicks (good for getting laid later; caveat---may still take 3 such movies for real sex or "close to it"---women still don't "put out," as we men would like!); invader/gladiator/earthquake/tsunami movies (Aaagh! "The Earth is going to blow up!" or "That bastaaaaard sworded me in me spleen!"); mysteries/crime stories/law-based melodrama (Ah, another Grishem film); Indy films (his hat must really stink by now); new shtick-effect MegaCartoons ("Oh, shit... It's Saturday and I have to take Wendy to the movies! Dammit"); others, requiring similar brainless power.

So, we see that blood, sci-fi, fantasy, sex, new love, marriage, and happines are it! OK! Maybe an epic once in a while with its "old ladies," such as Striep, Closed, and Mirran. But, these are not big grossers, my friends.
The big boys say "feh." (not good with the shekel gross!)

And, which young things are getting the gravy?:

Charlie Therong
Juia Roberto
Penelope Cruzes
Lindsay Lohans
Kirsten Dunce
Camera Diazo
Kiera Knightlingy
Druid Barrymores
et al

And, we, also, include the pervasive and revolting Hugh Granty (transvestite?), the ubiquitous poor imitation of Cary Grant who gets off on Sunset Boulevard! Bad boy!

Screams of "hire the pros, forget the fat, write grandmother
parts, make us doctors, we are the learned characters, producers and drectors don't know shit, and other abusive epithets felt by these "oldies, but goodies" are plastered in front of the major studios in picket lines.

Commented Seymour Cohen of FourStar Productions and MirroMax, "These damned broad actresses chap my butt. They was good when we needed 'em. Now, it is the youth culta that supports my lavish lifestyle. What? You think I'm a putz(prick) to endanger my family and scare away my girlfiends? My friend, we got snatch being processed now in bulk!!! And, the guys on screen are a hotties dream and a faggot's dream, too, like Johhny Deep, Nikky Caged, Brad Pits, John Boy Travoltas, that druggie Robert Downey, Jr., Lenny DiCapriot, and other hunks. Stallones?...history! We got some in betweens..really nice poon like Diane Lanes and Jodies Fosters..oh, what pieces of art!"

"And even the older dudes like Crowe, Newman, Redford, Nicholson, and Henry F. in his hey day are still hot box office meat. You guys must know it's testosterone that runs this here business. And, menopause just stops that female juice from flowing! So, the old ladies are out, the young hotties are in. But, testosterone shall live until 100! Sure, men have it. We is just luckly, you might say!!!!!"

Already acts of vandalism by older actresses are occuring daily: intentionally peeing on sets, foul-mouthing directors, purposefully vomiting on set to cause retakes, spray painting expensive execs' suits, and even adding something to a scene like a pocket calcultor to a 1930's chick flick making the "continuity" guy look like a zithead!

Wow! Spence just gave you the business...the whole movie business! Aren't you glad you read "The Spense?"

Until next time...It's Spense making sense!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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