Vanessa Feltz - Why? By Mr Ray Ving (76 and 3 quarters)

Written by Ben Macnair

Thursday, 28 February 2008

image for Vanessa Feltz - Why? By Mr Ray Ving (76 and 3 quarters)
Walt the Washing Machine's day just don't get any more exciting than this

In the first in a series of Articles from our loyal readers, Mr Ray Ving, aged 76, and from Dulwich reveals his thoughts for the day.

In a world of meritocracy, it is always good to see that the totally inexcusable can always rise to certain positions within society.

A world which puts a monkey in the White House, and says it is a sign of progress and Darwinism theory can also give space on the television to people like Vanessa Feltz. The fact that she is now one of the lesser spotted TV stars is also a signal to worry. She was always a yardstick to measure Television with. Now in a Televisual smorgasbord that offers the Daily Mail made flesh with Jeremy Kyle, we have fallen further below the canopy of taste and decency.

Now, I don't care what you trendies say, with your Fast Shows, and your fancy lattes, in my day young man, you were paid a fair sum for a fair day's pay. Now, I don't think that spending hours with a camera in front of other people spouting your opinion is good work for a fully grown adult. No, get these kids down the shops, get them working with people, that will stop any danger of them wanting to be famous. Get them out as Jehovah's Witnesses, pedalling between houses, selling religion, that will do for them.

Now, what was I saying. Oh, Vanessa Feltz. Oh, I have now doubt that was is a lovely person, but WHY are we even discussing her?

Would you like some Battenberg Cake?

I never got the hang of these Computers. I spent my life counting Paper Clips into boxes in a paper clip factory. Now they have machines and scales to do that type of thing. I miss the Crafts-manship of those days. When you buy your Paper-clips, do you have a sense of pride in that box? No, you don't…………. Machines take no pride in their work.

Kenny my Kettle never gets satisfaction out of boiling water. Walt the Washing Machine says he really wanted to be a Television screen…………. But he never got the opportunity.

Even Terry the TV he gets bored of showing nothing but repeats of Vanessa Feltz. I could change the channel from Vanessa 24/7, but I am an old man and really can't be bothered.

Do you hear?

I don't , not since I lost my Ear trumpet.
What time is it?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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