The Wishful Want Ads

Written by Quorum of One

Sunday, 15 April 2007


Couple seeks apartment to rent, 3 bedrooms minimum, central city location only, 2nd or 3rd floor, high ceilings, fully furnished, $340 per month max incl. utilities. Southern exposure, easy parking, low crime neighborhood a must. Must be convenient to shops, services and schools (elementary, secondary, college and special ed). Also must have fully equipped kitchen and laundry room, quiet neighbors who like children and can babysit sometimes, and be within two blocks of a park where we can walk our rapidly expanding family of high-spirited but totally harmless rottweilers. Call 555-4652 between 7:10 and 7:30 am or 11:30 and 11:45 pm. No voicemail or answering machine. Keep trying!

Owner offers semi-furnished room to rent in lovely private home. Single bed in a cozy, original space convenient to the stairs. Might not be suitable for the taller tenant. Double occupancy with adorable family pet. $880 per month plus electricity, water, gas, telephone, fair share of property tax and depreciation on fixtures and furnishings. Renter must supply a six-month damage deposit, five bonded references, and be ready to move out with half-day notice at any time. No smokers, drinkers, snorers, swearers or frowny sourpusses please. Ref 18322.

Employment wanted

PhD in philosophy seeks well-paid position with major supermarket chain. Excellent qualifications for comparing different categories of produce, advising on pastry possession-consumption dilemmas, steering male customers to the butcher's section or toxic products aisle, convincing shoppers in the bakery to accept partial loaves, providing post-accident counseling in the dairy department, etc. Terms to be defined. Ref 11367.

22-year-old high school graduate seeks telecommuting position in charge of software ordering for large corporation. I may not have a fancy college degree, but due to my life experience I have developed an encyclopedic knowledge of certain categories of software, lightning-fast reflexes and prize-winning hand-eye coordination. I would like to make my contribution from home according to a schedule determined not by arbitrarily-imposed temporal parameters but rather by my own natural circadian rhythms (research shows that this is the most efficient way to work). Company must be willing to provide state-of-the-art computer, outsized plasma screen, broadband modem, ISP subscription, color printer-fax-scanner and joystick. In case I'm faced with a close decision, a comfortable recliner and a set of surround speakers might tip the scales. Ref 11352.

Employment offers

Privately funded entertainment company seeks field representatives to initiate, coordinate and supervise outdoor gaming events. Candidates must have excellent reduced-deck card-handling skills and be able to make change, figure simple odds, and keep up an unrelenting stream of upbeat semicomprehensible patter. Screening of applicants will include a short physical fitness test involving running the 200-yard dash in an urban environment while carrying a large collapsible cardboard display unit. Criminal record no obstacle, a must for former law enforcement employees. Ref. 11289.

Subsidiary of multinational corporation seeks hard-working self-starters to fulfill key role in the supply chain of a recession-proof product with steady demand. The right candidates will enjoy working in a naturally climate-controlled environment fully protected from harmful ultraviolet radiation, performing easily learned tasks related to the extraction of an internationally prized condiment of mineral origin. Tools and work clothes provided. Wages variable depending on education, experience, stamina, will to live, etc. No health benefits, but guaranteed immunity against goiters. Ref 11003.

For sale

Moving: everything must go! Three unvarnished wooden planks four to five feet long, $25. Set of 22 mostly identical bricks, $12.50. Extensive collection of used paperbacks, many with covers, including Steppenwolf, The Glass Bead Game, One Hundred Years of Solitude, The Bell Jar, The Prophet, On the Road, Catcher in the Rye, Slaughterhouse 5, Catch 22 and A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe, $10 per book, two for $18.50. One quality paperback copy of Ulysses, mint condition, $25. Stereo system with turntable, AM radio, double cassette player, one speaker that kind of doesn't work some of the time, $250 or best offer. 174 home-recorded audio cassettes ($10 apiece) and 68 videotapes ($15) featuring various bands, movies, TV shows, some with the end not cut off. 127 soft-porn magazines from 1997-2005, $5 each. Single-burner hotplate, cord needs retaping in a couple of places, $30. One double-size mattress (no box spring), bottom surface like new, $120. Small vacuum cleaner, never used, $60. Ref 18521.

Missed connections

Times Square, December 31, 2006
I was standing right behind you. At about 11:35 I was jostled by the crowd and almost stepped on your heel. Can't stop thinking about you. Please. Ref. 18831.

Oscars night, February 29, Kodak Theatre, Los Angeles
You: the pretty blonde in an evening gown walking up the red carpet. Me: in the crowd of onlookers wearing a Lakers cap and plaid windbreaker and yelling, "Hey! Charlize! Hey! Charlize! Hey! Charlize!" over and over. Just for a second our eyes met, right before you turned to that security guy and said, "Can you get that ((man)) out of here?!" Electricity passed between us. Didn't you feel it too? If you're not seeing anyone right now, what say we get together? Ref. 18843.

No.53 bus, last Thursday at 5:15 pm
You got on at 12th Street and sat by the aisle. You were wearing a green shirt and dark brown jacket. You pulled out a newspaper and read for a few minutes. At 22nd you moved over to let a woman with packages sit down. At 23rd you noticed a sign in a storefront offering a good price on electric drills. You resumed reading the paper, turned to the travel section and started thinking about your upcoming vacation in Colorado. Suddenly you noticed that you were getting hungry. OK, actually: you were me. This is the only way I'm ever going to recognize myself in one of these fucking ads. Ref 18945.

The arts

Very talented, sensitive poet seeks publisher and/or literary agent to launch career. Ref 18675. Serious replies only please.

Improvisational modern dancer seeks venue for groundbreaking, cutting-edge interactive performance that will literally shatter the barriers between audience and performer, dance and politics, art and life. Hall must seat a minimum of 500 people. I'll need six nights in a row including a weekend any time between August 13th and September 4th. Ref 18746. Notice to other dancers: prepare to be bah-lone ah-wayyyyy.

Musicians wanted: Rock band seeks experienced, motivated, inspired lead singer, lead guitarist, bassist, keyboard player, drummer and sound man. Must have own equipment, PA, mikes, monitors, mixing board, van, manager, songs and gigs. And a really good name. Plus a good guitar and amp you can lend me -- preferably a Les Paul Goldtop 1956 or 57, with the pickup covers taken off. And a pick. Ref 18791. Let's make music together!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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