This Week in History

Written by Quorum of One

Sunday, 15 April 2007


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A look back at significant events that took place during the third week of April throughout history:

April 19th, 11,000,000,002 BC: Big Bang occurs. Universe comes into being.

April 20th, 11,000,000,002 BC: "Three-Card Monte" invented.

April 16th, 25,117 BC: Lascaux cave paintings completed.

April 17th, 25, 17 BC: Mysterious inscription is scratched in stone at mouth of cave in Lascaux, later to be deciphered by archaeologists as saying "I don't know a lot about bison, but I know what I like and my 4-year-old son can paint better than that."

April 19th, 10,955 BC: Migration of first Indian tribe across Siberian land bridge. Inuit chief gets to northern Alaska, sees snow and ice to the vanishing point, nothing but raw seal fat to eat, says to tribe "Let's stay here!"

April 20th, 10,953 BC: Mutinous former Inuit tribesmen arrive in Acapulco, discover white sand beaches, gold, chocolate and cheap, delicious Mexican food, found what will later become the Aztec Empire. They are believed to have brought the ritual of human sacrifice with them.

April 17th, 5,357 BC: Wheel invented in cradle of civilization, Mesopotamia.

April 21st, 5,357 BC: Blue dashboard light invented, Mesopotamia.

April 21st, 5,356 BC: First overpopulation crisis in human history, Mesopotamia. Forced migration spreads civilization to Egypt and Mediterranean basin.

April 15th, 4,101 BC: In Greece, 9-year-old Homer plays with a stick, pokes out both eyes, is blinded. Decides to devote his life to poetry instead of soccer.

April 15th, 4,071 BC: Homer's mother dies. Last words: "But would he listen?"

April 16th, 236 BC: Rosetta Stone carved in Luxor. First known use of rhymes "love/above", "world/girl" and "arms/charms"

April 18th, 157 BC: First public pay toilet in history opens in ancient Rome.

April 19th, 157 BC: Wisenus Himerus of Pompeii writes poem "Here sit I, broken of heart. . ."

April 15th, 30 AD: Christ of Nazareth dies. Career takes off. Ancient Roman publicity agents take note.

April 17th, 30 AD: Larry Digliani of Tuscany hits thumb with bronze hammer, becomes the first to say "Jesus H. Christ!"

April 17th, 30 AD: Larry's brother Curly becomes the first to ask "What does the 'h' stand for?"

April 18th, 1094: Toilet invented, Europe.

April 18th, 1095: Rise of the ideal of chivalry in Europe.

April 18th, 1096: Knights, tired of hearing their wives say "If you're so freakin' chivalrous why can't you put the damn toilet seat back down once in a while?", depart on First Crusade. Irish squire Peter O'Noiyudoughnt invents chastity belt just before departure.

April 15th, 1097: Enraged, sex-starved European knights arrive in the Holy Land, discover it entirely undefended and nearly uninhabited. They conquer Jerusalem, kill entire remaining population, raze every building to the ground, poison the wells and sow salt. Only surviving Muslim, Hassam Sudein, claims victory.

April 16th, 1098: Knights return to Europe, find population has doubled in their absence and Moorish peddlers swarming the continent selling "Sudein's e-z Pickin's Skeleton Key" at wholesale prices. They invent the iron maiden and leave, in a huff, on the Second Crusade.

April 21st, 1454: Marriage of Tomas de Torquemada to Prudence Chastity Locklips in Madrid, Spain.

April 20th, 1455: Mrs Torquemada refuses for the 364th time to perform oral sex.

April 21st, 1455: Spanish Inquisition begins.

April 17th, 1789: Guillotine invented in France as "humane means of execution"

April 18th, 1789: Squeegee mop, rubber gloves and boots, paper towels and the expression "Eeiuw, gross!" invented in France. Heated debate begins as to whether the severed head sees the basket coming towards it.

April 18th, 1926: Kurt Schrift of Orange, New Jersey becomes first person to put a tennis ball on a trailer hitch.

April 17th, 1984: "This letter has been around the world 19 times" chain letter written in Las Vegas by Lotta and Pierre Stime, asking each recipient to send it out to 20 other people in the hope of receiving some kind of vague "good luck" in return.

April 17th, 1985: Every single person in the entire world has received the "This letter has been around the world 19 times" chain letter at least three times by now. Forest reserves severely depleted on every continent.

April 17th, 1986: Personal computers and modems begin to proliferate rapidly, eventually giving nearly everyone access to the Internet.

April 17th, 2009: Entire Internet network breaks down due to overload of attached files. Investigation reveals that 87% of them are text files that begin: "This letter has been around the world 19 times"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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