Monday, 22 January 2007

image for Dear Abby Landers Advice Column Debuts
Not the type of letters that people send Abby Landers

Due to the recent deaths in the world of newspaper advice columnists, a new person has taken over the writing of the old Ann Landers and Dear Abby Colums. The Abby Landers column will appear in 542 newspapers worldwide beginning Sunday.

The new writer is a no nonsense, no holds barred, not politically correct person who tells it like it is. Below is a sample of the letters from the first week:

Dear Abby Landers,
I am a young woman from the south who made it big in Hollywood and the music industry. Recently, I got out of a limo and realized that I had forgotten to put on my panties. Some people took my picture and everyone got to see my shaved privates displayed all over the internet. I've also been drinking and partying too much and neglecting my kids and ma going through a divorce and haven't really worked in my profession for a couple of years. What should I do?


Dear Exposed,
If that many people wanted to see you without your panties, maybe you should try doing that for a living. Plenty of other trailer park trash show off their privates every day for good money. These women also neglect their kids and have gone through several divorces. Remember, you are not alone.

Dear Abby Landers,
I play on a team that isn't worth a crap without me. Every team I play for isn't worth a damn. Every quarterback I play with is worthless. Every coach I work under is a harsh taskmaster who does not recognize my work. Every agent or publicity rep I hire makes me look bad. What should I do?

Underappreciated athlete

Dear Terrell Ownens,
Underappreciated my ass! Catch the ball and shut your mouth and you may get somewhere in life.

Dear Abby Landers,
This guy named Dondald with helmet hair keeps saying bad stuff about me. Every opinion I have is wrong in his eyes. When I insult him to get even, he just fires back with some new comment about me being a lesbian. What should I do?

Jersey Girl

Dear Rosie,
Remember when your Mom told you that the only boys who insult you bad are the ones who secretly like you? Maybe Trump has a secret crush and wants in your over-sized panties. Take him to bed; he's worth billions. If it's any good, stay with him and retire. If it's not, get pregnant and sue for child support and retire. That way, we won't have to listen to your whiney mouth and bitching any more.

Dear Abby Landers,
I am a successful political woman and famous attorney in my own right. Some people say I got here by riding my husband's coat tails, but that is not true. The common people really like me and want me to be their next president. Do I have a chance?

The Candidate

Dear Hillary,
The "Common People" that you refer to do not like you. They called you "Billary" for years. They think your daughter has a horse face. They think you don't mind Bill's affairs because you never put out for him for years. They think you were boinking Monica also and are a closet dyke. Outside of a few media people, everyone hates your guts and hoped you fail miserably. They all wish that there was a button in the voting booth that said "anyone but Hillary." No, you don't have a chance.

Dear Abby Landers,
I am a 19 year old virgin from Utah who wants to meet the man of my dreams who fulfills me. I am 5'4" tall, weigh 105 pounds, have a nice body, am blonde, and should inherit millions when my father dies in a few years. I refuse, however, to go to bars or night clubs, join an internet singles site, look for guys on the job (because it just does not belong in the work place), look for guys at school (because I need to concentrate on my studies), or look for guys at church (because I am supposed to be concentrating on the spiritual). Where can I go to meet Mr. Right?


Dear Candy,
Have you considered a Spoof writer? I hear that Jalapenoman, just a little southeast of you in New Mexico, is a real prize!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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