Funny story written by Juvenal

Friday, 11 August 2006


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W.. Rummy, I hope it was traffic this time.

Rum. No Mr President, it's the Avodart.

Condi TMI Don, have a seat. Paul needs to be at Brookings in an hour.

W. Paul, you got pitchers with this?

Wolf. Pictures, sure. It's a power point Mr President.

W. Well I'll be the judge of that. No one elected anybody but me to decide. Twice.

Condi. He means it's a visual presentation, sir.

VP You've always liked those, George, pictures I mean.

Rum. Hell Dick, except for Nixon, every president we've appointed has liked pictures.

VP. Remember how Ronnie used to clap when we showed him slides of the Soviet empire and shout "All fall down."

Rum. What a hoot. Remember when we asked him to show us Yugoslavia and he pointed to Papua New Guinea.

VP. Those were good times.

Wolf. Mr President, if we can douse the lights I'd like to begin. My presentation is called "Freedom at any Price: Where we Are in Iraq and Why."

W. I like it. It speaks volumes, heh heh. Laura always says stuff like that. Tomo figurado. Heh.

Wolf. Here you see Iraq before the liberation. Ostensibly calm, inwardly seething.

W. Christ, Wolfie, you talk sorta like my professors at Yale and I never understood a damn thing they said either.

Condi: Mr, President, Paul is just telling us what he's going to talk about. Iraq--then and now. And he was a professor.

W. General Casey tells me he needs another ten thousand troops to get the job done. And I told him, General --the buck stops here.

Condi. What did you mean by that, sir?

W. It means what it means. I'm not going..

VP George, I think at a minimum, as commander in chief, you can rest assured you won�t be called up.

W. Right, cause daddy would fix it.

VP No, George, because you are in charge of the war. You are The Man. You tell the generals what to do, how many troops we commit, where we get them. I explained it all to you before we went in. I've explained it to you a hundred times.

W. All I know is I don't want my Thanksgiving in that tent again. I want it in Crawford where I can get real pumpkin pie and not that shit they served me in '04. You work on that Dick.

Rum Maybe Paul should go on.

Wolf. Thanks gentlemen. Slide two shows us on victory day in Baghdad--when we toppled the statue of Saddam.

W. He tried to kill my daddy.

VP. The same.

Wolf. Here we are displaying the corpses of Udai and Qusay, Saddam's sons.

W Ugly bastards. Ugly names. What a great day that was. I remember when we got 'em, Condi said "it½s all but over now," didn't you Condi.

Condi. Well I don'tt remember using exactly those words.

Wolf. And here is that shot of Saddam just after he was caught in his hole. Getting his teeth checked.

W. Trapped like a goddam rabbit. Fundamental goodness of the American people, am I right? In his time no Iraqi had a dental plan, and there he is having his teeth cleaned. Condie said just a matter of days. You said so too, right Rummie.

Rum I might have said we have turned the corner.

W. No, you said days. I heard you.

Condi. Paul?

Wolf. Mr President, here is the shot of the Iraqis holding up blackened thumbs when they voted in that provisional government..

W. It makes my heart swell to see it. Look at that butt ugly lady in the scarf. She's what it's all about. Freedom and democracy. Show me some pitchers of the naked men and the dogs with that girl..

Wolf. Sir, those aren�t really germane to this presentation. I don'tt have any Abu Ghraib shots. We're highlighting achievement here.

VP Think of these as the stepping stones to success in Iraq, George..

Rum Why focus on the deeds of a handful of loonies?

W. Reminded me of Skull and Bones but women weren't allowed to watch. No dogs either. That's part of the problem here, these Muslims don't know how to have a little fun.

VP. Go ahead, Paul. You're the one with the schedule.

Wolf. And here are those blackened thumbs again, this time when they elected their permanent government.

W. Freedom and democracy. I have eyeballed the new Shah--what's his name?--and he is a fine man. Needs a different razor and a breath mint, but a fine leader. Condi, can we get some coffee in here?

Condi: Sir, Mr Maliki is a Shii'a operative and was elected prime minister. But I agree about the breath mint.

Wolf. I think that's about it Mr President. It�s going well. Don't listen to the enemies of freedom out there who peddle their pessimism and tell you otherwise.

W. I just wish you could explain it to the American people. My numbers have tanked again. Israel isbeating the crap out of Hezbollah and I'm stuck like a dog in a hole full of polecats.

Rum. George, You remember the story of Horton and the Who? --The autographed copy your Mumsie got you when you were recovering from that little league injury?

W. It's about my favorite book..

Wolf. So you know "a person's a person no matter how small?"

W. It says that, straight out. And Jesus said something like that.

Wolf. Well, Mr President. Iraq is like Whoville. Muslims are like these very small people. They just need to hear us and know we're there for them. We have to keep saying it until they hear us. The same thing over and over.

Rum. Because if we don't pay attention , no more Whos.

VP George, remember what you said when we arranged for that megaphone to be handed to you at Ground Zero?

Condi It's been called your defining moment, sir.

W You mean that part about "We hear you, We hear you."

Condi That's it , sir.

W WE hear you

Condi That's it, louder, sir. (We'll take over Paul, you can go.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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