Things you will learn from Modern South Asian Soaps

Funny story written by anis shiekh

Sunday, 17 July 2005

image for Things you will learn from Modern South Asian Soaps

- The biggest aim in life is to get married; everything else falls into place once you achieve this monumental milestone

- Every one is well settled in life, they all live in huge houses and drive luxury cars, some how they don’t know who to get married to

- One spiral staircase in every house, which itself by the way is so huge that you need traffic signals and signboard for proper navigation

- Murphy Law (modified) Everything that can go wrong will go wrong, with the exception of your hair style, makeup and dress, even if you are serving a life sentence in jail.

- Girls wearing excessive jewelry are evil

- The girl with the most difficult name is the female lead

- Bad guys are always the most intelligent ones, good guys are ludicrous by definition yet they manage to build a fortune from an unknown business

- Every important character is the boss in the office

- All the secretaries are stupid they need instructions from time to time; they would still cause a catastrophic event by sending a fax to arch rival containing critical information about the unknown trade.

- You talk about your personal problems, extra marital affairs, and psychological issues at work, at home, in the car every where; it is prohibited to even think about professional business, don’t worry the writer and producer will take care of it (what are friends for?)

- One slap every two episodes.

- One suicide per serial, who is gonna be this time?

- One natural death preferably Heart Attack!!!

- All old women pray, young people are atheists

- If he looks at her as much as a fraction of a second, that’s it!! they are going to get married in the end

- Not only that the phone numbers are never busy but you would always find the person sitting by the phone waiting for your call.

- The smart evil characters formulate genius plans to take over the world, which includes the constitutional possession of the female lead, but once the good guys decide to retaliate they will simply shoot themselves in the foot

- The only thing anyone would ever read is a letter or a newspaper or the lead characters extremely personal diary (which is always accessible to general public)

- Even if you are financially mediocre you would still manage to wear the most expensive designer’s clothes.

- Thou shall shave everyday unless you end up in jail; there you have an allowance of two days.

- The father has a study where he drinks coffee and smokes cigars. Which happens to be the only place in the whole house where the mom can discuss the inexplicable matters surrounding their daughter’s marriage

- The mom is either the always praying type or is so well maintained that at times she looks prettier than her daughter.

- Food and drinks are served by invisible means

- You are either crazy in love or soaked in hatred; they aren’t any normal human beings left.

- You only drink water when you are not well

- It is prohibited to use public transport.

- The two of the prettiest girls will fight for the most imprudent looking perplexed male member of the cast who cannot spell his name only to discover that he is already married to their best friend from college for the past 15 years

- 6 permanent members of the cast, same roles, different names, each play.

- It is necessary for the drivers to wear white uniforms all the time.

- All the older models of the cars are sold.

- Winters Always

- Good guys wear dinner suit even for Prayers.

- Shout and thou shall receive

- You have a right to get angry at everyone; they will still love you and think that you are mysterious, loyal, hardworking and cute.

- Only older members of the male cast are allowed to wear glasses

- The only reason to return from foreign land is to get married

- Letters is bad news...always.

- Fax is even worst

- Flash back! The old guys had the same amount of hair 25 years back.

- You may live in a castle, own a BWM, wear a Rolex but you don’t have a computer.

- Unless announced from the loud speaker of a mosque, the two lead characters would never know they are in love with each other but the rest of the world does.

- You know everyone, no need for introductions.

- Doctors will always advise not to work hard, apparently everybody is listening.

- Something went wrong in the past.

- Take away the Glass someone is about to smash it!

- Your shoes are the same all the time!!!

- Romantic scene after the marriage is at the dressing table where the heroine is getting ready while then husband is behind her

- Mother in law is either very nice or overwhelmingly wicked, nothing in the middle.

- Jealous people always succeed in creating romantic misunderstandings amongst the main characters, who themselves never seem to use their own brain

- One artist is seen in at least 7 to 8 plays at a time

- Once a soap is on air, it never ends

- IF she is reading a romantic novel she is exceptionally intelligent however she would still fall in love with the under graduate son of the feudal lord who killed her father with a bomerang

- Friends of the heroine are always average looking girls.

- When its tragedy the clothes are automatically BLACK!

- Eye level is never balanced, in the solo shots.

- Essential ingredients of a play, 6 models (3 of each gender) and 7 other extras if you can afford them you don’t necessarily need a story

- The sunrise shot always suggest the beginning of a happy new day.

- The first thing the wife will pick is the suit case whenever there is a slightest hint of disparity

- The make up tone of the face and hands is north south!!!

- Always hang up whenever you have a minor disagreement; there is no need to look for a solution.

- Dim red right light means Tragic, horror, negative scene, start shivering please

- Due to exceedingly high quantity of plays being made today, the cosmetics are out of stock and the make up artists have back aches.

- Everybody gets married in the end; those who don’t were already married

Special Thanks to Ms. Maya Khan for her help in compiling this article.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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