Written by The Iroque Tribe

Sunday, 12 June 2005


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image for 200,000 brain cells perish at last night's kegger, city mourns

Citizens of the city gathered today as a part of the service to mourn the loss of 200,000 brain cells. This is the largest loss the city has seen since the four-city-blocks-long block party of '82.

The wake and funeral are being held at St. Gregory of Padua's parish on the lower east side.

These brain cells had not a chance. Rum is being named as one of the killers. Others include Vodka and an older player, the infamous Beer. These killings come as a week of hard college studying came to an end this week to break for the weekend.

One victim tells her story. "My week was so hard. Three hours of in-lecture notes, not to mention the notes I have to take while I read the chapters later that night. And that is just my history class! That isn't even touching my calculus homework! There's like 100 problems I have to do. God! I just want to go get drunk." That was Audrey. She sustained a loss of 2,000 brain cells at the kegger.

Contained in those brain cells was information on where to use commas in writing, and how to make chocolate chip cookies. Nothing substantive in terms of academic related material.

"When I heard that I didn't lose any important brain cells," Audrey said, "good God, I was like thank you because integrals don't relearn themselves. I would have poked my eyes out if I had to go over that god-awful shit again. I really don't know why I chose to take a calculus class. What was I thinking?" Really, she wasn't thinking anything. Her rational cortex, the area of the brain that decides on courses to take before each semester of school, had taken some permanent damage about a year ago when she was first peer pressured into getting totally wasted off her ass in her last month of high school.

She says she doesn't regret that party, although her memories of night are blurry. "I met this totally cute boy there. His name was Toby. Mmm, he was hot." Toby could not be reached for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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