Written by John Butler

Sunday, 22 May 2005

image for I Would Have Died If It Weren't For That Weird Sort Of Belty Thing They Put In My Car
The weird belty thing that probably saved Robert's life

By Robert Palmer

It's funny the way life has so many twists and turns. One minute your cruising through the countryside on a lazy Sunday afternoon, a gentle breeze caressing your forehead, the next minute - WHAM - your life is flashing before you.

As you might have gathered, I have just painted a pretty accurate picture of what happened to me recently as I drove through the countryside on a rare free weekend.

I lost control of the car on a sharp turn (there were no warning signposts) and end up careering into the base of an old sycamore tree.

I'm certain I would have died if it weren't for the fact my car was fitted with this weird sort of "belty" thing that you're apparently supposed to wear around you as you drive. I've thought about it a lot since the accident and the more I go over it in my head, the more I think that, without this "belty" thing, I probably would have been catapulted over the windshield of my car.

Actually come to think of it, this "belty" thing really is amazing. Seriously... I mean who thought of it? It goes right across you waist but also goes diagonally across your stomach over your shoulder. It sounds complicated I know and it did take me a few minutes to figure it out but once you have figured out you'll realise it's as simple as ABCDE.

And the best thing is you don't have to hold it in place while you drive. That's the genius part of it really. There's a little device close to the gearstick that allows you to "fasten", as it were, the belty thing in place. I suppose it's not unlike the buckle on a real belt you or me would wear on our trousers.

It was only by chance I happened to wear it. I just decided on the day of my country excursion to wear it "for the laugh". I wanted to see what difference it made because you see, at that stage, I had no idea what the weird belty thing was for. I'm a great believer in destiny though and I think the I wore it that day for a reason. There must have been some kind of strange voice from heaven in my head telling me to put it on.

I tell yah, if I met the man who thought to put a weird belty thing in a car (of all places!!!), I'd shake his hand and buy him a drink (even if he was driving - with his weird belty thing I don't think there'd be any danger anyway).

But do you know what the best thing is about this weird belty thing? You can lean forward for things. It only becomes taut and secure through the inertia of a high speed collision. Isn't that brilliant!?

I will forever be indebted to the person who thought to put a weird belty thing in my car.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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