A New Year Love Letter to Prince Charles

Funny story written by MariaSars

Thursday, 8 December 2005

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Sleepily unaware of this news story

The lifelong imaginary romance with the to be good King Charles has ended the 46 year old allegedly female, authentic daughter of President John F. Kennedy/John Astor announced today.

"While I will always have great affection for Prince Charles, the hard truth is that he is not the kind of man I need in my imagination right now," the woman said, her voice tight with emotion. "It hurts to say this, but it is probably best that we will never actually be one."

"You see I am from Venus. Prince Charles is from Mars. The Mars lander sent by the United Kingdom has indeed located Prince Charles in the company of a self-proclaimed slut. Wannabe Queen, Mrs. Shame Pac ‘n Go, the mistress reported to fancy herself the wife of a Prince who already has a spouse by sacred religious vows of long tradition in tradition befitting the Prince-to-be-King and Defender of Faiths. Mrs. Shame Pac ‘n Go is the wife of Brigadier Pac ‘n Go through the sacrament of Holy Matrimony of the Most Holy Roman Catholic Church, the marriage of which according to their exchange of vows under the eyes of God is that no man shall set asunder the two people God united in Holy Matrimony. Mrs. Shame Pac ‘n Go is also fancying herself to become a pregnant Mrs. Shame Pac ‘n Go as she approaches age 60 all on her own, with no donation of male residue or able assist by the Prince to be good King.

Though the authentic daughter of the assassinated 35th President of the United States was initially insatiably infatuated with the piercing good looks and Heathcliff charm of the waseem (handsome) Prince Charles, she admitted to being "troubled" by the Prince's widely reported penchant for hard drinking, profanity, and speculation he might select the tootie fruitie candy cane over the good-for-the-heart hot cinnamon candy cane or the digestif peppermint candy cane.

"Those brown eyes are to die for, and I'll admit that I've always had a weakness for men with outstanding ears and a big proboscis. I was turned off by his constant need for attention which is really juvenile." And, besides, some residents of the United Kingdom were concerned that the authentic daughter of the assassinated 35th President of the United States would be unfamiliar with tradition and customs across the pond. One custom at issue: do respectable ladies touch the sign at the men's sporting club in Liverpool? Another custom they were alarmed the spouse might not know whether to purchase mince pies made by mistresses and professional prostitutes and present them for travelers guesting in their homes to sample. And will the authentic daughter of the assassinated 35th President of the United States be gracious and let the mistress have a visit on Christmas day, customarily for luncheon?

The authentic daughter of the assassinated President, who gleaned her knowledge of Prince Charles from various entertainment news sources, has never sought a real-life relationship with the rising King-to-be and characterized the phenomenon of celebrity stalking as "pathetic."

Rather, when the men signed her dance card at a coming out ball, thereby arranging to apply for an interview as potential spouses, Prince Charles added his name. An Arab Prince at interview invited her to be one of his up to four wives accorded men in Islam. The Arab Prince pledged to care for her injured knee as well as he cares for the injured knees of his thoroughbred Arabian race horses entered to compete at Ascot in England.

Another gentlemen interviewee invited her to his small walkup flat in the midmorning where he appeared before her attired in a baby blue terry cloth bathrobe over a white undershirt, robe askew, stubbly matter on his unshaven face, and shower cap atop his head. He rubbed his stomach, then raised his hand upwards to scratch his chest, then moved his hand under his left arm to scratch his armpit. His walked to the refrigerator, grabbed a can of beer, drank several gulps, burped, then again rubbed his belly back and forth with his hand and said, "Sweetheart, what are you going to make me for breakfast this morning and every morning for the rest of your life?"

Should we not forget the soldier of fortune who had a winch for the wrench handy in his helicopter when she is in distress on the ground.

In days at public university, life was less complicated. The son of a United States Navy Admiral sprung the question over packaged cheese and crackers in a dormitory room. The son of the Navy Admiral who was sure he, too, would become an Admiral like his father, said the reason he wanted her as wife was because she grew up around the United States military and therefore was more likely to be able to get along with the other military wives and hostess his dinner parties to advance his career.

The Admiral's son was in earnest competition with Prince Charles' setting out Stilton cheese and crackers on an antique wooden table before a bear rug in front of a warm, crackling fireplace with a clock ticking on the mantle. In the beginning, Prince Charles could do no wrong," she said. "I found myself standing taller, dressing better, and taking things a little less seriously. My friends noticed the change. Still, all the while anxiety was creeping in: what if I wasn't the type of woman he would find attractive."

Eventually, she said, "reality" set in.

"Prince Charles and I live in separate worlds, divided by an unbridgeable gulf," she said. "He is a wild glamorous Prince from Cosmopolitan London, and I am a university graduate from the mountains with a no-paying job and average looks. It would never work." Mrs. Shame Pac ‘n Go declared that she, herself, knows all there is to know about being royal. Mrs. Shame Pac ‘n Go said she was looking forward to the day her bosom grew matronly so she could sit before the public, look down her bosom at the people gathered before her, and issue commands. However, after the dishonest wedding ceremony, the main asset Mrs. Shane Pac ‘n Go is a bodacious braggart about in comparison to her friend who had the publicly dishonest wedding ceremony before her, her bosom, appears to be shrinking and getting smaller, most likely netting her diminishing returns to her asset or assets (does a woman have one bosom or two bosoms)?

"Prince Charles loves fast living and bawdy talk and I prefer quiet evenings at home with a steady diet of sweet talk, small gifts, cuddling, and smooching," the authentic daughter of the assassinated President said. "At first, I would imagine all the fun parties we'd go to if we were dating, but I grew tired of that pretty quickly. I'm no party girl. I started picturing myself sitting there in my white chenille bathrobe at the breakfast table taking tea and scones while waiting for him to come. I don't want that."

The authentic daughter of the assassinated President also began to wonder if Prince Charles would remain faithful. "Other than the occasions people of all persuasions-male and female equally-ensnare either of us in an assignation it got to be where I couldn't fantasize about us being together without constantly wondering if he would run around on me," she said.

One person reported there were three of us in one marriage. "As Saint Augustine said, "Where there is love, there is a trinity: a lover, a beloved, and a spring of love."

"If he's cheated on women before, in an egalitarian manner with all, I couldn't see why I'd be an exception. He is just not worth the angst."

"I had to dump him from my thoughts, if only to preserve my sanity," she said. "I know that I'm choosing practicality over love, and maybe that makes me as weak as Prince Charles, but in a different way."

It is unknown if a hysterical pregnancy resulted from this imaginary romantic union in her mind. She was recently spotted mentally nurturing and nourishing some pretend children, though it is uncertain if they were her pretend children with Prince Charles or the children of the notorious public people pretending to be the grandchildren of her authentic father, the 35th President of the United States.

She is taking steps to scale back Prince Charles' presence in her life. After her holiday seasonal job to supersede the no-pay job so she can be seen as egalitarian, she found herself approached by three men in a group: one man, a son of a commanding grand poobah of the American armed forces, another man, man recently fired from the set of Desperate Housewives, and the third man, mobster whose first remark to her was to say a certain town was located next to a town where a woman was shot right in front of a police department. Not a Prince Charming type. She reminded them that all people learned in childhood when they stuck peas up their noses and were brought to the emergency room at the hospital that nothing belongs up the nose. And indeed, the doctors prefer that there be few medical emergencies beyond the uncomplicated situation or peas up the nose or in the ears. He asked her if she had a nurse degree. She said heavens no, she does not like the sight of blood; she gets squeamish at the sight of blood like most women, and even at the sight of the monthly blood on that thing, a tampon, that Prince Charles said he wanted to be to Mrs. Shame Pac ‘n Go.

Rumor has it that she was recently overheard commenting on the attractiveness of Cary Grant. And is it any wonder!?!!! Still, although she considers Cary Grant good looking she denied any pretend relationship. Besides, why relocate? It's exhausting enough "Stayin' Alive" in a town that operates on gossip, rumor, and innuendo and speculation from which they express their perceptions and make their decisions based on the fact of their perceptions, much less than having to do "the wave."

"To tell you the truth, I've been more attracted to the veneer of maturity and stability lately." And, she wishes clarification about a minor point. When she was rendered deaf, she thought she heard that a hearing aid was a cocklear device and later heard other people say cohlear device. Are they different devises or one and the same thing?

Neither the authentic daughter of the assassinated 35th President of the United States, currently "living in America" and the real life Prince Charming "coming to America" could be reached for comment. After all, she is just a fictional character, a figment of her own imagination.

Remember what Winnie the Pooh says,

"Violets are blue….If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever."

Work spend drafting this parody of an article in The Onion titled, "Woman Mentally Breaks Up with Colin Farrell," as measured by calories expended:

Daydreaming 40
Fantasizing 50
Teasing 60
Flirting 100
Sweet Talking 150
Looking Silly 75

December 2003
Modified July 4, 2004
Modified December 2006

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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