Dire Straits to reform

Funny story written by IainB

Friday, 15 April 2011

image for Dire Straits to reform
A six blade knife, to bring the song count up to 50, have a good look!

A communiqué from Mark Knopfler, lead guitarist and singer for the original sultans of swing, Dire Straits, has news for fans, and announced that he's fed up of earning money for nothing, and wishes to reform the band to make new music.

The band split following Bass player John Illsey playing Romeo and Juliet with Knopfler's lady writer girlfriend, Lourdes Salomone, at Hollywood Planet of New Orleans on Every Street during their tour of the Deep South of America as they were heading southbound again.

"They met at one of my parties," said Knopfler. "After some private investigations, by a single-handed sailor I got some pictures of them going hand in hand down to the waterline looking to ride across the river on the Portobello Belle Mississippi steamer. At first I thought they were setting me up, but no. How long it had been going on, I don't know."

Illsey, for his part, called Salomone his 'angel of mercy', and later married her after her split from Knopfler.

Now the water of love has flowed under the bridge (a tunnel of love, you could say), Knopfler and Illsey have made up.

"We're like brothers in arms," said Knopfler. "I can't stay mad at him for long. The man's too strong. When it comes to your friends, you have to keep hate so far away from you and your friend. Why worry? He's found the one. World of luck to him. In the show-business industry, affairs are a kind of industrial disease. You just get on with life."

With the band together once more, they can produce more solid rock tunes, before they once again fade to black. The man they have been calling Elvis-sized is going to take the walk of lifestyle heroes such as Springsteen and Clapton as they begin their tour 'Once Upon a Time' in the west of England, starting at London's O2 arena, where it is said that it never rains up in the gallery. The group stand to make millions from the tour.

Fans of the mega-group are looking forward to the opening show. Superfan, Les Boyson, queued for three days down Telegraph Road in the wild West-End for a ticket. "My wife asked me 'where do you think you're going?'" he said. "I replied, 'I'm getting my ticket to heaven!' The tickets are mint, man. I had a crowd of people follow me home to steal mine!"

Keyboard players Alan Clark and Guy Fletcher are also looking forward to the new tour. The van is heavy, fuelled up and ready to rock with plenty of espresso.

"Love touring, I do," said Clark. "And I love espresso. Love over Gold Blend, anyway."

"I've got the bug," Fletcher added. "Even if I'm also doing the costumes, I iron, handily."

"Yeah, that's your latest trick to get out of washing up," laughed Clark. "You cheapskate!"

"Away with you, man!" Fletcher said, also laughing, showing the bonhomie has returned to the group.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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