Proof Found That Jimi Hendrix Committed Suicide Because of Musical Shortcomings

Funny story written by Anan E Maus

Thursday, 10 February 2011


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LONDON, England-In a previously closed-off room at the Samarkand Hotel, at 22 Lansdowne Crescent, in Notting Hill, experts were admitted yesterday evening to look over the room where Jimi Hendrix died on September 18, in 1970, allegedly of a drug overdose.

While inside the previously shut and locked, cordoned-off, preserved room-a room that had not been entered in at least 34 years-the dozen or so forgathered experts made a tabulation of the items within, focusing most of all on a piece of sheet music, to which was attached a note in Jimi's own hand, previously hidden, perhaps for in excess of 39 years or more, in a trick plank in the floorboards, beneath which was the tiny strongbox that contained Jimi's suicide note and the infamous sheet music that killed him.

Apparently, the suicide note states that Jimi, try as he might, could not accurately or even adequately play the song whose sheet music was attached to it, and that he couldn't even keep up with it's tempo and time-signatures (of which there were only two or three in the entire song)and that he had lost his signature talent: playing guitar.

The suicide note ended with the suicidal, valedictory platitude of "goodbye, cruel world" thus indicating that even in his last moments, this previously original guitarist, lyricist and singer, could not even be remotely new and original-not even in his final writing on this earth.

And, what about the song that so eluded Jimi and his then-flagging but still impressive talents? Well, if the sheet music attached via a well-charred roachclip to the suicide note is any indication, then the song was The Beatles' "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da", often considered their stupidest, slowest and all-round shittiest song, a composition and record that predated Jimi's death by two years, though the song was getting an irritating superabundance of airplay on Radios 1-4 around the time of Jimi's death and in the weeks leading up to it.

This note, along with the scandalous sheet music, has been encased in a clear plastic liner and framed, to be placed in the forthcoming Jimi Hendrix Music Museum in London, on Cottleboys Road, in Soho-long rumored to be Hendrix's favorite part of London.

Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney, the two surviving members of The Beatles, have issued an apology, following the official breaking of the news this morning.

McCartney, part writer of the scandalous, stupid song, has been quoted as saying: "I can't believe that I'm partly responsible for the death of one of the world's greatest, most original musicians. I feel so bad-I wish I'd never written that vile song! Or, at least I wish I'd never inflicted it on the radio-listening music world. I just hope the surviving members of the Hendrix family can one day forgive me."

Though this reporter, in conjunction with a few others, British and American, phoned the Hendrix household in Washington state, the Hendrixes could not be reached for comment, but no doubt they are at least shocked and appalled, and may perhaps want to sue McCartney for his vile song.

This is truly a shocking, strange, sad day in the world and in the history of popular music.

Anger has gripped the world in general and rabid Hendrix fans in particular in wake of this crushing, atrocious news, and massive public burnings of Beatles' records-particularly focusing on, of course, "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" and "The White Album"-have been taking place all over, as hordes of angry fans hurl LPs and CDs into the bonfires...particularly in New York and Washington states, respectively-these being the ones where Hendrix's talent was first and foremost recognized and beloved.

The governors of both states have stated that they will do nothing to stop these demonstrations of hatred for The Beatles and their vile 1968 song-the one that killed Jimi Hendrix.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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