Written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 12 December 2010

image for X-Factor Matt Cardle's Dirty Filthy Shameful Secret Life Revealed - Shocking Exclusive!
To Date 211 Computer Monitors Have Been Trashed By Irate Readers Of This News Item.

Most of the TV viewing public quite correctly empathise with poor Essex painter and decorator (?) Matt Cardle off the X-Factor, because he's so humble, and because he's a proper musician as opposed to the plastic wannabes he's up against (apart from Rebecca) in the X-Factor final.

But Matt has many dirty, filthy, shameful, quite disgusting secrets that he'd rather his loyal voters not know about.

Sources revealed exclusively to Skoob Entertainment News a number of mind blowing insights into Matt Cardle's private life.

Apart from being a sex maniac (that's not from SEN - that's from the red tops) Matt doesn't like shaving. Which is all well and good for him, but can't be much fun for his significant other.

We've also heard rumours that when Matt was younger, he frequently picked his nose and chewed it. (The snot, that is.)

We were also told that Matt is quite obsessive about collecting earwax and nail clippings, although at this point we can't verify this.

It's also rumoured that he flies off the handle if somebody attempts to wash the back of his neck.

But perhaps the most damning revelations about Matt come from a former schoolpal at the £15k a year school they attended:

"He was a filthy fucker," the pal said. "When he'd been with a girl, he'd try to get all his mates to sniff his fingers. And he once confided in me that one day, after a crafty wank - the dirty, filthy bastard actually tasted his own spunk to see what it was like. He always was a sicko."

Here at SEN, quite frankly, we don't believe a word of this nonsense.

But it is our responsibility to report the news.

As we get it.

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
102 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more