Written by Rob Norman

Wednesday, 29 June 2005

image for Bob Dylan drops out, turns on, tunes in to Starbucks
Dylan: Gotta Serve Somebody

Seattle, WA - Counter-culture icon Bob Dylan joined the ranks of other sixties-era sellouts today by agreeing to further the marketing agenda of mega-trendy four-dollar coffee retailer, Starbucks.

In a press release, the company stated, "We are happy to welcome Mr. Dylan to the worldwide Starbucks phenomenon. We believe that by adding Bob Dylan's music to our product offering, we will further enhance the retail experience for our loyal and ever-expanding customer base."

The move by Dylan raised more than a few eyebrows. In an impromptu interview outside of his Malibu mansion, the singer/songwriter defended the alliance to a curious LA Times reporter.

"The times are a changin', man," Dylan insisted defensively. "Some of my biggest fans have grown up. They've gone from being pot smoking protesters to middle-aged, soccer coaching, coffee-swilling capitalists. Hell, there's even a Gap superstore on the corner of Haight & Ashbury Street in San Francisco now. Were you even aware of that?"

When questioned about the perception that the Starbucks partnership might create among his most die-hard fans, Dylan responded, "Hey, I've got bills to pay, man. You wouldn't believe the property taxes on this place alone. I'm not going to end up like Joan (Baez), you know, holding the line and playing college gigs for a thousand bucks a pop for these kids who've no idea who we are. I mean, I'm Bob Dylan, right? You've got to know your audience and mine is drinking venti mocha-loca-choka grandes, or whatever, down at the local Starbucks. I want… I mean… I deserve a piece of that action."

Dylan has been criticized by some for joining the establishment that he so loudly protested against in his youth. Following his appearance at a republican fundraiser last year, however, his career has begun an unprecedented resurgence among caffeine-addicted overachievers across the nation.

Bob and Carol Washburn, Dylan devotees who met at Woodstock, waxed nostalgic about the old days from Starbucks #17,434 in Madison, Wisconsin. "Back before Carol became a lawyer and I graduated from business school, Dylan's words were our religion," Washburn explained as he clutched a CD that he just purchased along with his tall no-whip half caf vanilla latte. "It's just so cool to be able to relive that again. The Starbucks people really understand our generation."

Starbucks employee, Justin Wachowski, however, sees it a bit differently. "These old dudes are, like, really hot now. My manager says if I sell enough of this John Dillon guy's music, I get a serious bonus. Personally, I think I could sell more Blink CDs, but whatever. It's all about the bucks, dude."

Dylan's newest CD, The Gaslight Tapes, is scheduled to appear exclusively at Starbucks cafes this weekend.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Dollar, Starbucks

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