AUSTIN - Sandra Bullock was sitting on the backyard deck of her Austin, Texas mansion when she was asked if she had kissed any women lately.
Bullock blushed and said that she had not but that she had really been thinking a lot about it since her last "Kissing Partner" Scarlett Johansson, whom Sandra says has the softest, sexiest, and sweetest smelling lips she has ever kissed.
Sandra said that she has had lots of offers from well known female celebrities such as Shakira, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and even Katie "The Munchkin" Couric.
Bullock smiled and said that the thought of kissing another woman has excited her more than intimate sex with her ex-husband Jesse James ever did.
She was asked if she had ever thought about kissing Whoopi Goldberg of The View. Bullock answered "No!" and added that she would never kiss Whoopi.
When asked if it was because she was black, Bullock replied no and pointed out that it was because she is just too gosh darn ugly.
Sandra was then asked about her ex-husband, the tattooed freak Jesse James. Sandra laughed and said that her ex-husband Messy Jesse's idea of a passionate kiss is him giving her a quick kiss on the lips and then telling her to fetch him a Lone Star Longneck Beer.
Sandra grinned as she told of the time when the two had been out drinking all night on Austin's infamous 6th Street, which has more bars and nightclubs (43,917) per mile than any other city in the world.
She said that when they got home, Jesse told her to go to the kitchen and fetch him a beer. She looked at him and in a stern voice said, "Hey punkass, do you effen see a dog collar on my freakin neck. I ain't fetching you shit. You want a friggin beer fetch it yourself Rover."
Jesse told her that if she did not fetch him a longneck bottle of Lone Star that he would take a black Sharpie pen and write the words "Ho," "Skank," and "Republican" on her forehead.
Sandra became furious and shouted out, "Looky here shit for brains, you can call me a ho, you can call me a skank, but don't you ever call me a Republican again, you mother effen Ozark Mountains tattooed radiator moonshine-drinkin' hillbilly."
He got up and started walking towards her in a belligerent manner. She ran to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and took out a longneck beer.
She then threw it at him as if it was a World War II German hand grenade. The beer nicked Jesse on his left ear and ended up hitting one of his most prized Nazi possessions; an autographed 8 by 10 glossy of his idol the Nazi fuhrer himself Adolf Hitler.
Sandra ran outside and hid out in the backwoods for 24 hours until "Dipstick" Jesse sobered up.
In a related story. There is no truth to the rumor that Sandra Bullock will be starring as "First Mama" Michelle Obama in the Charleen Belle Pinnzucker film, 'The Obama's - Dat's Right Y'all We Sho Nuff Be Da Fust Family Fa Shizzle Ma Nizzle.'
