The Chillingly Catastrophic Marital Curse of The Best Actress Academy Award Winners

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 20 March 2010

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The Academy Award Show may be moved to its new home in NYC's United Nations Building due to the threat of earthquakes.

LAFAYETTE, Louisiana - Madame Flambolina Fleur de Lis, a noted Louisiana Bayou's voodoo woman has boiled up a batch of Academy Award Cursed Crawfish Etouffée.

Flamby, as her many Cajun-Creole friends, relatives, and curse recipients refer to her said that she has been working as a voodoo woman for almost 50 years.

Madame Fleur de Lis has said that four weeks ago she saw in a bowl of hot Cayenne peppered grits a vision of two fully tattooed individuals and that they were rolling around on a pile of motorcycle magazines.

She said that when she bent down to get a better look, she noticed that one was Jesse James, husband of Sandra Bullock. When asked about the tattooed female, Flamby simply replied that she was so covered up with the tattoos that it was almost impossible to tell except that she did notice that the ''tattoo trollop' did have one tremendously humongous pair of tatalongas on her.

The voodoo madame went on to say that in the five decades that she has practiced voodooism she has never been wrong, given false information, or failed to see what she predicted come to fruition.

Madame Fleur de Lis, first came to national prominence in 1959, when she predicted that a man with the initials N.A. would set foot on the cheesy substance of the moon on July 16, 1969.

Flamby, fully predicted that 10 years before it actually came to pass with Earthling Neil Armstrong leaving his size 11D boot prints on the moon.

Fleur de Lis has also been known to predict weather calamities such as Hurricane Katrina in 2005, the eruption of Mt. St. Helens which occurred in 1980, the unbelievable North Pole 110 Degree Heat Wave of 1979, and the Kalahari Desert Snowstorm of 1987, which dumped over 15 inches of snow in a two hour period.

Miss Fleur de Lis also correctly foresaw the Great Flood of 1992, which almost completely destroyed the Grand Canyon, The Roger Clemens baseball steroid controversy, and the Parisian Earthquake which caused the famed Eiffel Tower to end up in Luxembourg until French movers could secure it and haul it back to Paris.

Fleur de Lis was the only person to predict the Jesse James - Tattooed Lady controversy that Bullock's husband has become embroiled in.

The Louisiana voodoo madame said that back in November of 2009, she looked into a bowl of squirrel Jambalaya and noted that on one of the four ingredients she clearly saw a woman with over 200 tattoos on one of the squirrel tonsils that were floating around in the bowl.

Furthermore she saw a name tattooed on the woman's bikini line and the name appeared to be either Michigan McGitch, Michima Mafashusi, or Michelle McGee.

Last year Flambolina predicted that Kate Winslet would file for divorce from her husband 12 months before she actually did.

Fleur de Lis said that she looked into a goldfish bowl and saw the names of Kate and her husband Sam on the fins of one of the adult goldfish. And then all of a sudden the left fin,, with her husband's name, just suddenly and inexplicably fell off and landed at the bottom of the fish tank.

In 2006, she said that one of her prized Peruvian Andes Parrots named Pablo Jr., actually told her that Reese Witherspoon, who won the Best Actress Award for her portrayal of June Carter Cash in Walk The Line, and her husband Ryan Phillippee would divorce in 2010, four years after she she heard her parrot Pablo Jr., say, "Reese, Reese, Reese, and Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, are kaputsville, kaputsville, kaputsville, 2010, 2010, 2010."

The same thing happened to Hilary Swank after she won the Oscar for Million Dollar Baby in 2005. Fleur de Lis said that a full week before the award show she had seen an outline of Swank's husband in a Cajun Duck Cracklin's Casserole and she did not offer as to what she saw but she did say that the picture was not pretty.

Back in 2002, she predicted that Oscar winner Halle Berry, who won for Monsters Ball would end up divorcing singer Eric Benet when she saw in a sweet and sour shrimp sandwich a vision of a microphone stand that had fallen and hit Benet on the head. The couple shortly divorced and Eric quickly disappeared into "Hey Who The Hell Is That" land.

SIDENOTE: Larry King has extended an invitation for Madame Flambolina Fleur de Lis to appear as a guest on his talk show Live With Larry King. Fleur de Lis has declined saying that she does not want to tell Larry about the man who looked exactly like him and what he was doing when she saw him in a bowl of Blackened Guppy Smothered in Okra Flavored Hominy Gumbo a la Lake Pontchartrain.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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