Katie Price can never win Bikini War, international banger boffin tells bazooka watchers

Funny story written by Thibarine

Wednesday, 18 November 2009


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Katie Price looks better from the tradesman's entrance, claims celebrity stylist Gok Wan.

As a leading style pundit, fashion consultant and one of the world's foremost experts on the female body, Gok Wan reckons he's seen everything. From civilian baps to Hollywood bazookas, he's handled them all. In fact, Gok says, he's felt up more women than Trinny Woodall put together. So Gok is well placed to answer the pressing question of the day: now that "I'm A Celebrity" is up and running, which of the jungle beauties can best fill out a bikini?

Kim Woodburn, says Gok, has quality bangers: "She'd ace it if this were 1957". Bottom of his list was collagen queen Katie Price. "Katie's attractive in some ways - she's got the hips of a teenage boy - but the humungous airbags don't sit well on her tiny frame. How does she stand upright - clown shoes? It's as if a rogue builder had stuck a giant balcony on a Georgian townhouse in a cynical ploy to add value."

The stylist also criticised the stars' fake tans. "Where did Katie get hers done - Hiroshima? She used to be a pretty girl, now look at her. The face that launched a thousand lemmings."

Katie Price's management have begged her to cut back on the plastic surgery in case she ends up like billionaire socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein, aka Catwoman. The hapless Mrs Wildenstein's consultant has already warned her that after hundreds of operations, she is beginning to look increasingly like Joss Stone.

Gok even laid into mahogany megastar George Hamilton: "that man has graduated from Fake Bake to Coat'n'Crunch. It's a fashion disaster - this year's look is pale beech." George Hamilton's publicist denied the claim, adding that the walnut-coloured one simply sprayed himself with Cuprinol before entering the jungle because it adds depth of colour and maintains wood.

First choice in the battle of the bikini, surprisingly, was eighties page three girl Samantha Fox. "Sam's holding up well, despite being beset by the knockers throughout her career". Not even a front-loading Wonderbra could help dance star Camilla Dallerup, however, being too frail and thin even to register in the bikini stakes. Her BBC bosses were so concerned about her appearance that they parachuted in a selection of sequined ballgowns so she could cover up. In the end poor Camilla couldn't get a look-in and called it quits.

"It's a shame, really. Camilla's got a great pair of legs" concedes Gok. "But in the end, it's all about the Conway Twitties".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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