At the regional media syndication confab held in Branson Missouri, FOX Television unveiled their latest blockbuster programming development for the Fall 2009 lineup, to be called "America's Biggest Schmuck."
FOX Developmental Program (FXEDUP) Chief, David Hasselhoff told media correspondents, "NBC thinks they have the jump on everyone with their "I'm A Celebrity - Kiss My Ass" new addition. Well frankly, television executives are running low on the pool of talented amateurs that can sing and dance, eat dead and decaying matter, bathe in the cooling ponds of nuclear power plants, regularly brush their teeth with contaminated Chinese manufactured toothpaste and advertise their Wedding Registry at the local adult video store. Then it dawned on me; hey, there's a fairly common thread here and just like that, the inspiration for our latest Irrational TV program was born!
"Normally we have to pay a large staff millions to comb the country looking for contestants and write scripts for our judges, but with the "America's Biggest Schmuck" model, candidates for the program exceed the sands on a Baywatch set or the number of daily hits on "See Pamela Sue Perform Fellatio on A Randy Wildebeest" website...all on a McDonald's Happy Meal budget. And the writing takes care of itself."
The producer for the new show, Theodore Kaczynski outlined the various programming possibilities for reporters:
"We anticipate theme shows, like America's Most Asinine Legislator, America's Dumbest Criminal, America's Most Inane Designer of a Commercial Product, America's Crappiest Surgeon and America's Most Scurrilous Attorney. Our indigenous supply of idiots, boobs, morons, nincompoops, buffoons, scoundrels, incompetents and simply the brain dead is boundless.
"I am confident we could book the show with contestants for the next thousand years, running the program five nights a week! Have you just seen today's issue of the Branson Daily Miscreant? From one local paper alone, I have the resources to fill our program with contestants for a month. Just imagine what we can scrape up in Washington D.C. or Manhattan? And take this show on the road? It's not like we have the exclusive patent on cretins and reprobates...check out what the French have done lately? We can syndicate this show to more countries than hold membership to the United Nations. We're going to be bigger than pipe bombs, Post-It-Notes and toilet paper combined!"
One reporter quipped, "Mr. Kaczynski, doesn't your network run the risk of having a tiny audience stemming from the fact that so many of your viewers are also likely to be active participants in the program?"
Kaczynski barked back, "Cross pollination, man. What you suggest would severely impact our Arbitrons, but we are employing a globalized strategy of only showing "America's Biggest Schmuck" in say Great Britain, while at the same time programming "England's Most Daft" here in the states. We at FOX see the bigger picture and this intergalactic network vision will enable us to keep the ratings in the stratosphere until every last neuron in our audience dims...and so far, their appetite for irredeemable and mindless programming is still sloping exponentially upwards to the heavens."