TV Pitchman Shocked by Child Labor Scandal!

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 3 May 2009

image for TV Pitchman Shocked by Child Labor Scandal!
When Sullivan found out about the charges against Lourde, he said, "That really sucks!"

WEST PALM BEACH, FL - A TV pitchman has suddenly found himself witnessing a media firestorm.

The Swivel Sweeping 3000, endorsed by co-star A. "Andy" Sullivan of a popular new Discovery's Channel series, was cited by Ima Lourde in a product testimonial as "so easy a child could use it." Apparently, she wasn't kidding.

Lourde has been placed under arrest and is currently in custody at Palm Beach County Jail facing charges of operating a child labor ring, gross negligence, and additional felony charges.

Lourde, who lives in West Palm Beach County near where Sullivan's infomercial was filmed, stands accused of having her five children use the efficient, affordable and highly maneuverable devices to vacuum the carpets and rugs of neighborhood women, leaving them looking so clean you wouldn't believe it, for which she allegedly receives kickbacks of up to $25.00.

One child, 5, "bwoke [his] widdle awm" attempting to carry one of the lightwight, portable devices up a neighbor's stairs while Lourde was getting drunk with her in the living room watching hi-def TV in super-surround sound.

On another occasion, her daughter, 7, reportedly had to be rushed to an emergency room to extract one of the space-age, time-saving appliances from a particularly nasty snarl in her hair. Her neighbor reportedly "heard screams" and called paramedics while Lourde was out getting her hair and nails done.

When attempts were made to reach Sullivan concerning the charges against Lourde, he was not available for comment. However, according to a spokesperson, he "is deeply, deeply shocked and appalled at this discovery, and had absolutely no idea this sort of thing was going on. He most certainly does not approve of these activities."

Good "pitch, man!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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