Bea Arthur Eats Crowe?

Funny story written by Ian Wolff

Thursday, 6 December 2001

Police officials in California continue to deny rumors of Bea Arthur's eminent arrest in connection with the recent disappearance of Oscar winning actor and Hollywood heartthrob, Russell Crowe.

"She eat him!" claimed Maria Sanchez, Miss Arthur's longtime maid. "She say she was call him for looking at movie script," said Ms. Sanchez, during her recent questioning by Los Angeles County homicide detective, Charles Ned.

"But she was telling lie. I know, I am was hearing his screaming, 'No eat me please, no eating me, Bea!"'

"This is going to be an incredibly tough one," said Los Angeles district attorney, William Spillwater, during yesterday's press briefing. "Mainly because our computer's data banks returned well over twelve-million names of women, who, at one time or another, have expressed an interest in eating Mr. Crowe. What makes the entire thing even more confusing," he added. "Is the over thirty-six million prank phone calls we've received from women who claim to have eaten him years ago."

"That wouldn't surprise me in the least," said onetime executive producer of the smash hit television series The Golden Girls, James Feinberg, over the telephone from his home in Beverly Hills. "What most people don't know," he confided. "Is that the original name of the series was The Golden Girls & Two Old Guys. Unfortunately, the two old guys never made it through the pilot episode. I went to their trailer halfway through shooting and nothing, just two small piles of clothing and a bloody lobster bib from Cherbourg By The Sea, which is a restaurant, by the way, just down the street from Bea Arthur's home."

"She ate my uncle Luigi," said Adrienne Barbeau, Miss Arthur's co-star from the television series Maude, from her home in Burbank, CA. "He came to the set in '73 and asked me to get Bea's autograph for him. I told him to go and get it himself, she doesn't bite. When he didn't come back, I went to Bea's trailer and found her wiping her mouth with the bus ticket I'd sent him. She denied it, of course, and the police never pursued it, not even after she was subsequently rushed to the hospital, two days later, in order to have his wedding ring removed from her lower intestine. Her people claimed it was a gallstone, but I got the ex-rays through the private detective I hired and, trust me, most gallstones don't say, 'To my beloved Luigi, love always, Maria."'

"It's all one-hundred percent true," said Miss Barbeau's alleged private detective, Joshua Washington, from his home in Tucson, Arizona. "I tailed Bea Arthur for three months back in the '70's, and even though she did some highly suspicious things, I was never able to nail her in the actual act of feeding. Like most of your topflight serial eaters -- she was shrewd, cunning, and not easy to trap. I got close once though. I trapped her in the parking lot of a restaurant in Bloomfield Springs, Michigan, in 1975, but she went Alien on me, bit a chunk out of my thigh and sped-off in a black sedan with Jimmy Hoffa."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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