Written by Elliott Peters

Saturday, 30 August 2008

image for Chuck Berry In Rehearsal Shocker!
Where Chuck Berry played his first ever gig

A young group of musicians are in a state of shock over the fact they achieved what is believed to be an impossible feat - they actually persuaded tight fisted rock and roll miser Chuck Berry (82) to rehearse.

The legendary Berry has for the last 50 years been touring and playing the World with an ever changing group of musicians. He has never fronted a band of his own and standard procedure is for him to arrive where he is playing, grab the nearest band and expects them to perform live without any rehearsals. "Everybody knows my songs" bragged Berry a few years ago. However his penny pinching tactics have resulted in a whole string of disastrous and embarrassing live performances which have humiliated the unlucky band behind him. Not that Berry cares... he simply takes the money and runs, giving very little to the band and the US taxman.

Thankfully when Berry decided to pick on death metal band Asthma Attack upon arrival 3 days ago in Boston, Massachusetts, the band rebelled and told him they would not play unless they had a rehearsal. They pointed out that being an "extreme" band, they were unable to play Berry's songs and what's more their most popular number is called "Chuck Berry Is A Perverted Twat", a song all about his fondness for installing security cameras in ladies toilets.

"He threw a fit!" lead guitarist Antony Simmons told us. "He told us he'd rather play with his ding a ling than rehearse and demanded that our girlfriends "entertain" him". However when the band pointed out that they were all gay, "Chuck turned white with fright, especially when I locked the doors. Legend or no legend, he wasn't gonna escape until he taught us his songs". Berry refused to cave in until the entire band dropped their trousers with erect penises to the fore and threatened to bugger Berry.

"He calmed down after that... he told us to put our ding a lings away and negotiated terms with us whereby he would rehearse and pay us fifty percent of his earnings" chirped Mr Simmons.

Berry and Asthma Attack took to the stage that night and wowed the audience full of Berry veterans. One such fan, Bruce Steenspring (87) told us, "I've seen Chuck play 274 times since 1956 and this was the tightest performance he ever ever gave. It was strange though... he seemed to be in fear of the band who strangely were all wearing enormous dildos draped from their belts, but hey... he is Mr rock and roll and he sure rocked!"

Immediately after the gig, Berry scuttled off stage to make a hasty exit only to come face to face with the band's roadie brandishing a 5 foot dildo who politely stopped Berry in his tracks and demanded he coughed up or he would receive the dildo as a gift in 60 seconds. Berry duly coughed up the cash and dashed to the airport for his next gig which was an appearance on Jay Leno's show.

Sadly, the Leno show saw Berry back in his usual form, playing badly with a band who didn't have a clue. It was a highly shambolic affair that Berry fans have become accustomed to. The members of Asthma Attack watched the broadcast and proudly boasted of their impossible achievement.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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