Jack Nicholson explains "Fat is still in the fire" in rare statement

Funny story written by Wordsmith

Saturday, 29 March 2008

Malibu Ca - In Hollywood, the paparazzi Nazis pulsate the news and cut off the circulation of the AP wire like drunken moils to feed their greed and public need for living the lavish life vicariously through the behavior of a celebrity to fill the gaping voids of insecurity in their own miserable lives.

But once in awhile there are scintillating flickers of whimsicality that are a venerable comedians 6 course meal when sifting through the news used to light their fuse.

Oscar winner Jack Nicholson can rarely be reached for interviews but issued a statement by telephone when asked about recent photographs taken of him at the beach with his shirt off and flailing his arms about and looking quite pregnant.

So when inquired about his newly attained weight he responded:

"Hey, everyone's allowed to gain weight and I'm proud of my blubber. Fat is the new sexy, sure back in the day all I had to do is cock my devilish eyebrow like an Irish sailor and flash my pearly whites and the girls would fall into the sack like my hair falls into the sink every morning…but now my entire body is pearly white and I'm a hit with the ladies when I lay out on the sand, they swoon and swarm around me and start to pet me and cover me with wet blankets and pour water on my head.

"Turns out they were marine biologists that thought I was a beached whale, but so what?

"I was like, there she blows! I'm 70 freakin years old for god's sake, and when you've been a swordsman as long as I have it takes Viagra and four of my assistants to raise my mast so you take whatever you can get!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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