Mumbai - (Ludicrous Mess): Bollywood movie star Abhishek Bachchan has hit out at persistent reports that his nine month marriage to green-eyed screen goddess and former Miss World Aishwarya Rai is a celibate affair, "a passionless marriage of convenience" brokered into existence by movie industry astrologers who knew the union could never be consummated.
"You are calling me gay?!" Bachchan exploded.
"Where is the proof?" the actor seethed, neatly dodging reporters' questions about yet another negative pregnancy test and rumors of separate bedrooms in the matrimonial home.
"Am I not a man in every sense of the word?" Bachchan raged.
"Why would a star of my heterosexual stature undergo some phony public conjugation rite - as if I had something to hide!.... Like this totally non-existent gay porno video supposedly made in Jaipur studio sometime back in 1997?
"I'm no more gay than President Bush or Hillary Clinton! Just ask anybody who's ever seen me naked.
"And if my wife's not pregnant that's hardly my fault. Everybody knows it's the woman who conceives and not the man."
Meanwhile comely Aishwarya Rai is staying tight-lipped following a recent re-interpretation of the prenup agreement that saw her stand to gain one hundred million rupees "if Bachchan proved deficient in any sense of the word."
