Thursday, 11 October 2007

image for Sven's wheely done it now
Anyone seen Chorlton?

Sven Goran Eriksson's hot new totty is part of a massively wealthy wheely bin family.

The Swedish shagmeister, 59, has been secretly seeing sultry Laura Sexwenuwanit, 35, for weeks.

Laura has been round blabbing to all her binman buddies that she does n't really love Sven, but that he's a damn good shag & has got great taste in furniture - the binmen said they felt sorry for the Manchester City manager. That he was being used a sexual play thing by their manipulative buddy, and why did he have to stop seeing that lovely Nancy bird?

One friend said: "Laura is a an evil bitch. Everyone who knows her is hoping she's not going to hurt poor Sven, especially after he helped her picking out matching accessories for her Chelsea flat.

When asked about the relationship, Sven's reaction was passionate: "I'm so in love with Laura, she's the most wonderful person in the world. I don't understand why everyone is slagging her off. Her love making is out of this world. She does this little thing where she bends backwards over a wheely bin.......oh dear I've said too much. You guys are so tricky, you'll always get me to spill the beans."

Former England coach Sven has been sharing intimate dinners with mum-of-seven Laura at Manchester's moderately priced Premier Inn. He nips out to Tesco for a couple of freshly made egg cress sandwiches & a case of Stella, whilst she arranges their love toys & slips into something more revealing.

The Premier Inn manager, Cuthbert Wancstane said that they'd had a number of complaints from other guests about noise from Sven's room. "They said it sounded like he was being beaten with a roll mop or some other pickled aquatic creature. She squeals like a pig apparently, but I have n't heard them myself. It's a bit noisy up in that roof space, my head is right next to the hot water pipe and I have to keep that hole small, otherwise they'll see the reflection from the fisheye lense."

Laura is co-director of Wigan Wheely Bin Hire with her estranged husband Chuck, 42 - and also runs Manchester Recycling Centre.

The couple, who wed in August 2002, split last year but still share the same luxury home in Toxteth. They sleep in separate rooms, but when they've had a drink and are feeling a bit lonely, they sometimes sleep together.

Sven's long-term girlfriend Nancy D'Ellalliollioalliollio said yesterday: "I do n't care what you say, Sven loves me & he knows which side his croissant is buttered. He told me we are getting married soon & I believe him. He's always been straight with me about his dalliances, as soon as it hits the front page, he tells me all about it. He has a little cry & then he feels much better. He's such a good shag & has got so much money, the humiliation is worth it to me. Besides which, I lost all my pride when he was turking that Ulrika ka ka Johanssonn bird off BBC weather."

Last month it was revealed Sven lured beauty Amias Irasna, 38, to his £250 000 a night Manchester hotel suite with promises of a puppy & coke bottle sweets. Amias said: "He's a smooth operator that Sven. One minute he's talking about 4 3 3's the next your knickers are around your ears & your being dazzled by his shiny bald patch wiggling about between your thighs."

And last week another Italian bird Anica Ricacrispie, 41, claimed she had been seeing him for eighteen years.

We have to say that we're not sure if some of these women are n't just publicity seeking. If all their claims were true, Sven will have been dating 8 women simultaneously for most of his adult life. Now either some of these ladies are bullshitting or Sven's got a Titanium member & the staying power of a Hereford Bull.

Call us if you have any mud you can sling at Sven, ex-girl/boy/ladyboy/tranny friends especially welcome. Even if you make it up and think you can get away with it, we'd love to hear from you. Call 01 01 010202020202020000000000000000000000 now to hear the nice lady tell you, that this number is not recognised.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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