Palm Beach, Florida (IP) - Bear Grylls was interviewed today by TheSpoof.com's entertainment reporter Heywood Jablowmee and has revealed that an upcoming episode will feature the tough survival star surviving a week on the famous barrier island on the other side of the intercoastal from West Palm Beach.
All he will be given to survive on for a whole week is an old rusty Isuzu SUV, thirty dollars in cash, a small can of caviar, as well as his trusty survival knife and magnesium flint striker.
He starts the episode being dropped of on Worth Avenue after being towed there by a tow truck and begins discussing the old survival "rule of three" wherein you can survive without air for three minutes, in extreme cold temperature for three hours, without water for three days, and without food for thirty days.
No sooner than he is done explaining all of this a Palm Beach patrol officer tickets his SUV for illegal parking and to Bear's amazement the ticket will cost $300 so the thirty dollars is useless.
An old Palm Beach woman who appears to have had one face lift too many spots him and immediately propositions Bear at which time he takes off running for his life. In a beautiful Australian accent impossible to transpose into print he declares , "My god - she was uglier than a pile of crap on a dirt road".
As he runs northward a pack of poodles take chase and finally Bear is forced to jump into the clear waters of the Palm Beach inlet. Luckily he has picked up a length of bamboo on the way and sharpened a point at the end and as he swims underwater he spots a school of Snook. These fish are a delicacy. Bear finds a stand of coconut palms and using the dry dollar bills and his flint he starts a fire. Over the fire are two "Y" shaped sticks that he pushes into the ground and a cross piece firmly holds the fish flesh in place.
Unbeknownst to Bear Palm Beach is full of stuffy, fearful, stuck-up, greedy, nervous, selfish, ugly old bitties who will call the police if they so much as catch a glimpse of their own shadow. Sure enough they spot Bear and soon the Palm Beach Police, the Marine Patrol, animal control officers, code enforcement officers, and Emily Post creep up on Bear and he finds himself surrounded.
The marine patrol tickets him for illegal possession of a Snook. Emily Post gives him a verbal tongue lashing for his poor taste in clothing and for not extending his pinkie finger whilst he tries to eat his fish. Code enforcement tickets him for conducting a barbecue in a no barbecue zone.
The police are about to arrest him for trespassing and not being gay as well as for suspicion of being an outsider with no local social standing when suddenly a pack of palatine pet poodles come thundering out of the palmetto patches and pounce on the panicked police. Also the animal control officers ran for their lives
This gives Bear the opening he has been looking for and he leaps into the inlet and makes good his watery escape.
Night time is imminent and he is starving and cold as well as wet. He opens his can of caviar and has to force it down like he does the grubs, reptiles, and insects he is so often seen eating on his great and very entertaining program. He describes the caviar as cold, slimy, gristly, fishy, and too salty but he must eat it to regain his energy. He urinates on it to improve its taste. He has only been on the miserable island for twelve hours and he concedes that he ususally can make it in any survival situation for a whole week but he has to get the hell out of this palmetto bug infested place.
Suddenly he spots some blonde haired surfer types and they immediately recognize him. The surfers call out, "hey dude, far out man let's party !" They whisk him away on a spare surf board and soon they are across the inlet on Singer Island cooking hamburgers and lobster tails, drinking a cold keg of Becks beer, and listening to some great tunes.
Wow man, that was a close one. I don't think I ever want to go back to that horrid place ever again ....I'll take frigid ice capped mountains, burning hot desserts, and shark infested seas over that poor excuse of an Island and all the unfriendly geriatric natives who stay in their morgue-like homes two months out of the year. What a wasteland.