Former Beatle and rock legend, John Lennon, murdered in 1980 by a fat American with a gun was today reported to be "still dead"
His Japanese bint of a missus said in a statement: "I am afraid John is still quite dead. Although there have been no rumours to the contrary, no hint of an Elvis-sighting style conspiracy and not the slightest sniff of a Christ-like resurrection, I felt it important to remind everyone that Johns passing has been both final and absolute."
"Also, this statement has nothing to do with the fact I have a new record/book/exhibition - delete as applicable"
Friends and publicity-seekers paid tribute to the still-deceased rock star - "Even though he's been cold in the ground for nigh on 30 years, he still owes me a tenner - where's my money you scouse git?" a weeping Elton John told us with a mouthful of caviar
Most touchingly John's writing partner, Paul McCartney told us "Is Ringo dead now? Well don't bother me again until he is"
In other news, Doris Stokes, told the world via a Ouiji board that George Harrison was "also quite quite dead, as am I"
