Art Critic Blasts Fingerpaintings

Funny story written by Steve Shaw

Tuesday, 6 January 2004

image for Art Critic Blasts Fingerpaintings
Mitch Farrell: local critic at large

ALBANY, NY-In order to promote appreciation of the arts to her small pupils, Ms Adrian Jennings, a local kindergarten teacher, invited Mitch Farrell, an art critic with a local newspaper, to her classroom to tell the children about how art can be applied in a career. Instead of an enlightening and entertaining day for the children, things went poorly.

"It started off well enough," said Ms Jennings after the incident. "At first he was very kind, and he asked to see some of the artwork the children did. Billy Walker brought up his finger painting of a turkey and Mr. Farrell yelled at him for butchering great art of the ‘abstract masters' and ripped it up in front of the class. Our entire school would like an apology."

Farrell was available to comment after the debacle. "Apologize?" he said indignantly. "For what? Ridding the world of those horrid little paintings? I'll tell you what, I'm all for promoting the arts among the young, but only if they're going to be good at it. Those things just sucked-there really isn't any other word for it. I, frankly, was disgusted at the cultural wasteland of paintings these children created," he stated as he rubbed his temples in a circular motion.

Farrell also reportedly smashed the clay sculptures the children had been working on for the past week. A weeping Janie Allen, five years old, held her crushed ‘doggie' in her hand. "A doggie?" said a skeptical Farrell. "I couldn't see anything in that lump of clay. Absolutely pitiful. There were no budding Michelangelos in that classroom, let me tell you, and I know a budding Michelangelo when I see one."

Jennings visited the newspaper where Farrell worked in order to extract an apology. Farrell refused. "How can you be so cold?" Jennings yelled. "They're only children!"

"I will concede they are children when you admit they are terrible artists," said a comatose Farrell.

Jennings stormed out of the building after minutes of profanities were exchanged.

Farrell remains unfazed, saying it's simply ‘all part of the job.' He also says he is looking forward to appraising the first annual Senior Citizen's Paint for Charity drive coming next month.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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