HOLLYWOOD – (Satire News) – Millions of Vampire Diaries fans from Bulgaria to Pisagovia are thrilled that the popular vampire TV series is coming back with brand new shows.
The year is now 2021, and the town has become a virtual cesspool of hauntingly hideous horror, as the dreaded Coronapalooza pandemic has hit the little fishing village that relies on the sardine industry, which has all but disappeared.
As a result, many of the townspeople have moved to nearby Lake Lascivious, where the prostitution business is booming, due to the fact that it’s home to a military installation, Fort Gomer Pyle.
Meanwhile, teenagers Elena, Damon, and Stefan are now in their late twenties, and have formed a heavy metal rock band called The Blood Sucking Trio.
The trio have written a ghoulishly macabre ballad titled, "The Curse of the Chupacabra".
The band performs mostly at weddings, bar mitzvahs, divorces, and gender-reveal parties.
Elena (Nina Dobrev) plays the bass guitar, has an amazing 4-octave range voice, and can hit notes that can cause male audience members to have interesting palpitations in their crotch regions.
Damon (Ian Somerhalder) plays the lead guitar, and is so damn good, that he makes Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page, and Pete Townsend look like the Three Stooges.
Stefan (Paul Wesley) is the band’s drummer, and plays with a drumstick in each hand and one in his mouth.
The town’s mayor, who is originally from Liverpool, and a big fan of Beatles drummer Ringo Starr, commented that the bloody bloke is quite fookin’ good, he is.
The show’s producer, Manolo Middlemuck, has said that this season’s shows will have more twists and turns than a Philadelphia pretzel factory.
He added that the show will be filmed entirely on location in Crackerhead, Georgia, because it has more stray bats and foggy lakes than any city in the United States.
Middlemuck stated that some of the actors and individuals who will be guest starring on The Vampire Diaries this season include Sofia Vergara, Lady Gaga, Zombie Zulu Yo, and Jose Altuve.
The Vampire Diaries is being sponsored by Count Chocula Breakfast Cereal.
