Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 21 June 2018

image for Sting Stung By Wasp
De do do do De da da da

Aging crooner, Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner CBE - collectively known as 'Sting' - has been stung by a wasp in his back garden.

The former policeman from Wallsend who now owns a huge estate in Wiltshire, was shovelling some manure onto a rosebed on Thursday afternoon, when the striped fiend approached him from behind, and gave him 'what for' on his bottom. Sting stood up straight with a start.

But it didn't end there.

Sumner CBE it was, who was almost-single-handedly responsible for the repeatedly-repetitive lyrics in many of the songs released by the Police, and the wasp seemed to be aware of this fact.

Targeting the gardener's rear, it stung Sting stingingly, stunning Sting stiff, causing him to stutter:

"De do do do, De da da da, ouch, y'fucking bastard!"

After rubbing the affected area of skin for several minutes, and looking around in vain, Sting went back to his roses. The wasp readied itself. Suddenly, Sting changed his tune:

"I can't, I can't, I can't stand losing,
I can't, I can't, I can't stand losing,
I can't, I can't, I can't stand losing,
I can't, I can't, I can't stand losing,
I can't, I can't, I can't stand losing..."

The wasp stung Sting's stomach, and the former frontman folded in agony. He tried to sit down on a bench, but his bottom was throbbing like the bassline on 'The Bed's Too Big Without You', and he slowly returned to the rosebed, wondering where his wife Trudie was.

"So lonely! So lonely! So lonely! I feel so lonely!
So lonely! So lonely! So lonely! I feel so lonely!
So lonely! So lonely! So lonely! I feel so lonely!
So lonely! So lonely! So lonely! I feel so lonely!
So lonely! So lonely! So lonely! I feel so lonely!
So lonely! So lonely! So lonely! I feel so lonely!..."

In came the wasp. Again, the stinging stinger stung Sting the singer.

"Y'fucking bastard!" yelled Sting, adding "I'll fucking kill you!"

Trudie had crept up.

"Who are you talking to?"

Sting waved her question away, and starting shovelling shit once more. Trudie sidled up to her husband and leaned against him. He stopped digging, and looked lovingly at his wife. Suddenly Sting sang:

"Don't stand so, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me!
Don't stand so, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me!
Don't stand so, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me!

whilst Trudie rhythmically repeated:

"Please-don't-stand-so-close-to-me!
Please-don't-stand-so-close-to-me!
Please-don't-stand-so-close-to-me!"

The wasp knew it was beaten. Without a second thought, it went airborne, and left the King of Pain and his barmy wife in the manure, endlessly repeating mundane lyrics.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Sting, The Police




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