Raising Hell on the Canal

Funny story written by Ollie Smith

Monday, 7 September 2015

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Back in the 90's Rosie and Jim had it all. A canal barge with an artist on board, a duck companion and a multibillion pound contract with Ragdoll productions to record their childish antics that were beamed into millions of UK homes. However, fast forward 15 years and their fortune has been frittered away.

After being spotted buying a multipack of Special Brew outside Sparkbrook's Bargain Booze store, Jim told our star struck reporter; "Life ain't good now. I work down Big Malcs scrap yard hacking exhausts off banged up Fort Escort's for a few quid and Rosie's got a job at the nearby abattoir after having to go on the game for a bit. She smells of rotten carcass every night now, puts me right off my strokes in the bed room." "But that's not the only thing" Jim splutters halfway through a can of brew. "After getting one of them loans to help us out the f*cking bailiffs are at the door every other day. Last week they took our concertina!"

Unfortunately, a life of low paid jobs, prostitution and alcoholism is a far cry from their days contracted with Ragdoll. "Best job in the world that" Jim slurs. "We had millions of adoring fans all over the UK. We couldn't walk through Stratford Upon Avon without being mobbed during the early 90's. We were bigger than Jesus, Shakespeare and Beckham rolled in to one in that town. Like Kim Jong Un to the North Koreans. When Rosie and Jim got cancelled they had to shut the schools for five weeks as the kids were so upset. Adult suicide rates went up by 760%, we were everything to them. When we switched the Christmas Lights on in 1997, twenty people got crushed when they surged towards the stage. F*cking mental it was."

Although their popularity was built on having squeaky clean fun whilst educating children, Jim revealed that his and Rosie's lifestyle was the polar opposite of their on screen personas. "We may have come across as f*cking saps who spent all day sat on that f*cking barge whilst some bloke drew some s*it in the corner but our parties were out of control. The second those cameras went off we shared a bag of cocaine with the duck at the front of the barge. Then it became two bags, three bags, four bags, we were hooked. We needed it after recording to maintain the high before getting pissed on whisky's worth hundreds of pounds. We were untouchable in the 90's, the producers knew they couldn't sack us. One of the directors quizzed Rosie one morning before the camera's started rolling as she had the shakes really bad. She just nutted him in the face, told him to f*ck himself and put a lit cigar in his eye when he was on the ground. I can still hear his cries of pain right now during my prerecording pick me up toot of coke".

However, just as Rosie and Jim hit the dizzy heights of UK children's TV, Ragdoll Productions commissioned The Teletubbies. "C*nts" splurts Jim. "I tell you something, the public need shooting for watching that s*it. Here we go, let's get four puppets who look and talk like spastics and get them to eat custard and toast every f*cking day. Well done, now all yer kids can eat toast and custard and talk like Stephen Hawking with a c*ck in his mouth". "I came back from doing a speech at the University of Oxford about the influence of TV on the juvenile mind and found Rosie taking it up the wrong un from Dipsy. I remember pinning him against the wall before beating the living crap out of him when we went down the next lock. Rosie said she did it as revenge for me getting a suck off La La at the Ragdoll Christmas Party in 1999 but that's what La La did. Fanny to rent for Warwickshire the slut. They used to have orgies with Noo Noo the vacuum cleaner you know. His nozzles seen every Teletubby orifice there is to see!"

As The Teletubbies topped the children's TV ratings, Rosie and Jim's career fell in to a permanent decline. "Our ratings went down but our lavish lifestyle didn't. In the summer of 2000 after the last show had been broadcast in the UK we went to LA for a month to hob nob with our fellow A Listers. We had bottles of Jack Daniel's down the sunset strip every night, courtside seats for Basketball matches and invites to Tom Cruises parties. My trick was to put mini doughnuts on my member and get Rosie to nibble them off. Lets just say Rosie got a bit too close on a number of occasions and got an extra cream filling! Ozzy and Sharon loved that one. Unfortunately when we got back home the money had been spent. Top Coke and fifty dollar steaks don't pay for themselves. We tried to live a comfortable suburban lifestyle but the booze kept on flowing and the drugs kept on being taken. We went from nice houses to shit houses, good office jobs to working in the f*cking scrap yard to make ends meet and here we are."

As the sun set on a balmy Birmingham evening it was hard to imagine a greater fall from grace than that of everybody's favourite canal bothering duo as the fickle nature of the children's television industry is laid bare.

Next Week: Pat Sharpe Exclusive. "Fun House was more like Cum House behind the scenes".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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