Music Chart Overhaul Throws Up A Surprise

Written by Roy Turse

Friday, 10 July 2015

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Walk of shame: Leaving the X-Factor auditions in 2009

From today, the UK music chart is being published on Fridays, and will be based on a new algorithm for calculating positions from a range of sources. Unfortunately, this has coincided with changes to the days on which new music is released, and the new chart appears to discount the majority of current music because it does not meet the previous constraints regarding release date. However, some older singles do meet the requirements, and these have been catapulted into the charts. The highest entries are tracks which, due to bank holidays, were released on a Tuesday.

As a result, the track widely-predicted for the number one slot 'House Every Weekend' by club DJ David Zowie has lost out to the last Tuesday release: 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby. Widely hailed as the worst number one record in history the 1993 single was a spinoff from Noel Edmond's Saturday evening TV show Noel's House Party. The accompanying video included cameo appearances by Carol Vorderman, Garth Crooks, and Jeremy Clarkson, at least two of whom should have known better.

Following news of the surprise chart success, Mr Blobby has announced that he will be coming out of retirement and a spokesperson for the artist told reporters that Blobby would be releasing new material in the coming year, possibly under the name of his until-now secret Ibiza club-scene alternate persona, DJ Blobby.

A Christmas release is also expected, designed to compete with the winner's single from the X-Factor, a show that Blobby has no time for. He auditioned in 2009 in disguise, but was buzzed off the show when his act, which consisted of him repeating his name over and over through a voice changer, bombed. Shortly after the press conference, NME editor Mike Williams stated that he'd sooner give his magazine away for free rather than publishing anything about "that fat pink tuneless twat".

Asked for a comment about the surprise chart triumph, Mr Blobby implied that he was financially ecstatic, and couldn't wait to begin touring again. He also indicated that he was deeply touched by his fans' support and the public vote of confidence in his inimitable style of popular music. Then he shouted 'Blobby' and ran into a wall.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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