The bizarre life of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has finally been revealed by a former employee.
Ted Smegma, 38, was one of the glamorous couple's closest confidantes and a privileged insider into the crazy world of Mr and Mrs Cruise.
"For ten years I worked for Mr Tom and he and I had a very close relationship. Whenever there was a problem with the toilets he would always ring me and ask me to come and look at them." he says, sipping a can of larger outside the run-down terrace he calls home.
"Often he would phone me, just out of the blue and say to me- 'Ted, the crapper's blocked again, could you come down and bring your plunger?'"
However Ted no longer works for the Cruises' and he blames new wife Katie Holmes for his present predicament.
"I was cleaning out the septic tank at the back of Mr Toms Hollywood mansion and loading all the shit into big bin bags. Normally I would take the bags and sell them on e-bay. Mr Tom never minded because I always made a point of not telling him, but when Katie Holmes found out I had set up a little celebrity shit business, she hit the roof!
Ted is obviously devastated that his close relationship with the diminutive actor is over and, as he continued to drink heavily, he became more vocal about his time with Cruise.
"That little turd would have had nothing without me," he whined whilst knocking back Tequila, "If people had of known about the crappy state of his drains, he would never have made it in Hollywood. What with all that Scientology malarkey, half the time he was bunged up and the other half we had to put bicycle clips at the bottom of his trousers."
As Ted slowly slipped into incoherence he revealed, "I remember one time Mr Tom was filming Mission Impossible 2 and he rang me up saying that his crapper had backed up again. Now this was about the third time in a week and I was getting pretty fed up of having to traipse up and down the Hollywood hills to his house with a shovel and a bucket."
"I let it go coz he was a mate but when I got there I discovered that he'd tried to unblock it himself and fell in! Well, you should have seen it...Ethan Hunt covered top to toe in shit!"
Ted Smegmas book 'Shovelling Tom's Crap' will be available from all good bookshops and some market stalls from November 30th