(Hollyweird--AP) In a stunning public relations move, disgraced Hollyweird Hunk Mel Gibson has agreed to undergo a "Retro-active Bris" to attone for recent vitriolic, anti-Semitic remarks, made during his now infamous DUI arrest.
"The remarks I made," said a contrite Gibson Wednesday, from his home-synagogue, "were indeed vitriolic. And recent," he added.
Gibson will have his bris Saturday evening, at sunset, which is the start of the weekly Jewish Shabbat (8:30 pm PST). It will be broadcast live on FOX.
What's a Bris, Anyway?
A bris (pr. "bris") is a Jewish religious rite in which a baby boy, eight days after birth, has his foreskin removed. It is an ancient tradition dating back to the days of Abraham, circa 3,500 B.C. (Before Circumcision, from the Latin vulgate dementia praecox, meaning "back when I still had a dick.")
The ritual, full name Bris Mila, (meaning, "boy that hurts!"), is one of the most fundamental precepts of the Jewish religion. It is referred to in the Torah as "The Covenant of our forefather Abraham," since he was the first to receive the commandment to be circumcised from YHWH God. (To which Abraham responded, "You want us to cut off our whats?")
From the Torah: "And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every male throughout your generations. And some of the females, too, if they don't watch their step." (Genesis 17:12)
The circumcision is performed by a Jewish religious figure called the "Mohl," (pr. "bastard!") The Mohl, or Moyle, as is commonly Anglicized today, simply inserts the baby's whatsit into a hand-held tool resembling a deformed pair of pliars with circular tips. Inside the circular tips is a set of razor sharp metal teeth, lining the circumference of the cirumcizer.
Many Jewish males seek to circumvent this ritual circumcision by circumnavigating the circumference of the family home. But all such attempts at circumperambulation, circumnavigation, or circumlocution are fruitless, as the much larger Moyle simply overpowers the little brat and lets him have it. L'Chaim!
In Gibson's case, he will be strapped to the plumbing in his shower, the better to watch the rest of his career (among other things) go down the drain.
So, What Happens to the Foreskin?[
In the past, such vestiges of infancy were simply discarded or mailed to recalcitrant congressmen. Today, however, enterprising Moyles often sell the infant foreskins to wholesale seafood suppliers as calamari. This is one reason why many orthodox Jews refuse to eat at Red Lobster.
Yeah, But We're Talking MEL GIBSON'S Calamari
True. Which is why the Gibson Bris will be carried live by FOX, and the "calamari" obtained will be sold on eBay.
And you heard it here, at TheSpoof!, first.