Spare the Rod, and Raising Cain

Funny story written by Rama

Sunday, 4 June 2006

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Teri Hatcher seems to be everywhere these days. The word that pro writers use, when they are trying to sound erudite, is ubiquitous. Tiresome lot, those writers.

It's not surprising. She's a talented woman, and an attractive actress. She had an early break on Lois and Clark, with Brooke Shields deflowerer, Dean Cain. That was quite a start for Hatcher. She played an American Icon, girl reporter Lois Lane. Plus the show ran for 5 yrs, and so made it's syndication quota. It has a committed fan base of 40 year old virgins, so can look forward to Trek like loyalty. Usually that can be a tough act to follow. Hatcher bounced right back with her Desperate Housewives role. Dean Cain, how ever, still wanders in the wildness.

What could have sidetracked the career of such a promising actor, and former TV Superman? The last time I saw him, Hatcher's former partner in crime was hosting Ripley's Believe It or Not, on cable. Apart from that, the ex Princeton quarterback hasn't done so well. He'd probably kill for a guest spot on DH now, though we see him not.

While I can't say for sure what laid Superman low, I can speculate. I remember reading a tabloid blurb from several years back. It involved Dean Cain, and a real life act of misguided heroism. Dean was out and about, as it were, when he noticed an elderly lady being mugged by a young drug addict. Not one to stand idly by, when there are headlines to be made, Dean rushes off after the young no goodnik. No doubt the newspaper banners reading "Cain Real Life Hero" were running through his head.

He catches up with the guy, and brutally tackles him. Knocks him flat. The young man lies there whimpering, and begging Cain not to hurt him. Well the lady gets her purse back, but Cain gets more than he bargains for. He gets his tabloid headlines all right. They come in the form of "Dean Cain Roughs Up Rod Stewart's Son". The young junkie in question was none other than the errant son of Scotland's most beloved hard rocker.

Seems that Rod had tried everything to help the young man, and finally, in desperation, opted for his own course of misguided heroism. He applied tough love, and cut the young man off. You can't help someone unless they're ready to be helped, and if you can only force them to be ready, then you can start helpin'! Manipulative, and misses the point, but it keeps interventions going, and amusing reality TV shows in business. Well without money to fall back on, the young man turned to crime to support his habit, rather than hitting rock bottom and straightening out, as Daddy had planned. Since it was Rod's brilliant scheme, he no doubt felt partially responsible. However it was Dean Cain who walked into the middle of it, and he has never seriously worked again.

Today, in the strange but true files, we have the odd case of one Michael Fish. Name aside, I can guarantee you that this isn't a 'fish story'. Secrets of the Supernatural, by HM Mason is the source. Mr Fish was sitting at the local pub, listening to a friend of his, one Patricia Mallon complain of a headache. "I had the same problem"retorts Fish. He then goes on to explain that he went to a local witch, to be put right. To prove that he's not joking, he then lowers his head to reveal the witch's unique cure, in the form of a nail sticking up from the crown of his head. The poor man was rushed to a local emergency ward, to have the foreign object extracted. Doctors on duty say that had the nail been driven in another fraction of an inch, the poor man would've died.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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