George Lucas Now Insists Malfunctioning Table Lamp Killed Greedo In Horrific Cantina Accident

Written by E. Lee Zimmerman

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

PASADENA, CA - Never one to skirt a controversy, STAR WARS' creator George Lucas has offered to - once again - set the record straight so far as he's concerned with matters involving a galaxy far, far away.

"For years, there's been this brewing controversy involving my character of Han Solo," Lucas states in Monday's press conference held at Skywalker Ranch. "Specifically, I'm referring to the scene where Solo meets the bounty hunter, Greedo, in the Mos Eisley cantina.

"Fans of the film's original release in 1977 have long claimed that they recall Han pulling out his blaster and heartlessly shooting a virtually defenseless Greedo under the table," he continues. "As the person who's most intimately involved with the motion picture - in fact, I directed it - I can tell you it never happened that way. When the film was released in last decade or so, I tried to fix what had so long been incorrectly perceived by the fans. I inserted a digitally reprocessed shot that I believed more accurately reflected the events, and, in this sequence, I believe I overcompensated because I only created an all-new controversy on the internet. Fans were now claiming that I had 'bastardized' the original sequence because they believe I depicted Greedo shooting first. Because of the endless banter weighing down certain corners of cyberspace, I felt it necessary to hold this press conference today to definitively explain whether Han shot first, whether Greedo shot first, or what did happen."

According to Lucas's pronouncement, the creator wishes everyone to understand that Greedo's demise was not the consequence of exchange blaster shots. He hopes speaking out on this matter will put the issue to rest so that the next generation of STAR WARS fans will be to enjoy EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE without the burdensome controversy.

"For the record, Han Solo never even got off a shot," Lucas explains. "True enough, Greedo did, but, if you watch closely, you'll see that Greedo's laserbolt unfortunately passes through the table lamp mounted to the surface. What happens is that the negative energy of the bounty hunter's blaster interacts with the positive energy of the table lamp, and it short-circuits. The result release of electrical energy is, definitively, what kills the alien henchman.

"From a contextual standpoint," he continues, "this allows the character of Han Solo to continue intellectually unscathed by the attack, and it reduces Greedo to the level of a buffoon - a virtual JarJar Binks creation, a character for which I've been subject to so much vitriol. Rather than become my own JarJar Binks by promoting one incorrect assertion after another incorrect assertion about what happened in that cantina, I hope this 'definitive explanation' - direct from the creator - can put this matter to bed at least until I come up with an even better, more definitive 'definitive explanation.'"

In closing, Lucas promised that his next 'definitive explanation' will be included as an Easter Egg on an eventually Blu-ray release tentative titled STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE - THE DEFINITIVE DEFINITIVE EDITION.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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