Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

image for Herman Cain Denies That He Has Fantasies About Rihanna
Herman Cain the ex-CEO of Godfather's Pizza has a pizza in a box drawn on the side of his campaign bus.

BILLINGS, Montana - Herman Cain's The I Just Be Chilaxin Bus Tour found itself in "Big Sky" country where Cain says he wants people to know that he will not ignore them like other presidents including George Bush have done.

Speaking from the steps of the Ringo Star Commemorative Library Cain told a crowd estimated at 24 or so that he wants everyone to know that just because he is black and there aren't any blacks in Wyoming that he will not overlook them when it comes to important matters dealing with housing, small business loans, and food stamps.

A reporter with Left Coast Mirror Magazine Tequila Tallyho let Mr. Cain know that he was speaking in Montana and not in Wyoming which is the big square looking state situated below Montana which resembles a famous revolutionary war general with a real long head.

The former CEO of Godfather's Pizza giggled a little bit and said that he knew that he was in Montana but that he was momentarily distracted by the big old elk that had walked right by his bus.

Cain asked if anyone in the audience had any questions. One little old lady raised her hand.

"Yes, you right there, the little, old, chubby gal in the blue gingham dress and mustard yellow flip flops what is your question honey?

"Well first of all don't call me honey Kanye." The lady hollered out. "And secondly my gingham dress ain't really blue it's more like a light purple."

"Okay" Cain remarked.

The little old lady told him to hold his damn horses because she was not finished yet.

She then said that her flip flops were not mustard colored and pointed out that they were more like a dull canary yellow.

Cain smiled, "And I guess dat you duz has a question fa me huh?"

"No, I was just raising my hand cause I had gotten a bit of a cramp from holding on to this brand new bowling ball I just bought over at Luther & Louella's Sporting Goods Shop over by The Burger Miss Fast Food Restaurant.

Miss Tallyhoo, who was wearing a pair of pink short shorts and a tight Texas Rangers baseball halter top, raised her arm saying she did have a question.

"Go ahead baby doll. Mmmm-Mmmm mama have mercy and what please do tell be your question sugar lips." Cain said trying hard to keep is tongue in his mouth.

Tallyhoo asked him about the rumor that had been reported by iRumors that he had told fellow GOP presidential hopeful Rick Perry that he has fantasies about Rihanna.

Cain turned red, or rather purple and asked if there were any other questions. Tallyhoo said, "Hey yo Pizza bro. How about answering my question. I mean just who the hell do you think you are anyway? The black version of Piers Morgan or who?"

Cain said that he has no idea where Rick "The Electric Chair" Perry had come up with him having fantasies about Rihanna but added that it is simply just not true and that other than his wife before they were married and two girlfriends in college he has never lusted after any woman.

"So then you're saying that you're not straight?"

"Right. Now wait a sec there sweety pie." Cain caught himself and said, "Ah let me see here. Honey child you sho nuff be trying ta trick old Uncle Herman here but you gots ta gets up real early in da mornin' da be able ta do dat."

Cain then told her that she must have him confused with Rick Santorum because he has never been gay, thought about being gay, acted gay, or even ever seen a gay person up close.

And with that Herman Cain got back on the bus and walked all the way to the back (where his office is located y'all).

As the bus drove away you could hear the Elton John song "Crocodile Rock" blaring on the CD player.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Rihanna, Herman Cain

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