Selfish A--holes at News Corp., Cablevision Reach Agreement

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Sunday, 31 October 2010


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Mere moments before every paying Cablevision customer in Philadelphia, New York and New Jersey said "f--k you " and ordered Verizon Fios, Cablevision Systems Corp. and Fox Networks reached an agreement ending a two-week stalemate marked by both companies acting like complete a--holes.

The a--holiness actually continued after Fox 5 and whatever the hell passes for channel 9's programming was restores to Cablevision customers, as Cablevison bitched and moaned about agreeing to pay Fox "an unfair price" and about "the absence of any meaningful action" from the Federal Communications Commission.

"Waaaaaaaaaaah," said megabillionaire Charles F. Dolan, Chairman of Cablevision. "Cablevision has agreed to pay Fox an unfair price for multiple channels of its programming including many in which our customers have little or no interest. And they are poopy heads. And stupid heads. And stupid poopy heads."

"Cablevision blinked," said Keyport, NJ resident Anthony Rosania, who was aggravated he had to illegally download recent episodes of House, M.D., The Simpsons, American Dad and Family Guy. Wait, not American Dad. That show sucks. "Cablevision was 100% in the right, but caved in because providers have more leverage than rebroadcasters."

The agreement covers Fox 5 and My9 in New York, Fox 29 in Philadelphia and the cable channels Fox Deportes, Fox Business Network, and Nat Geo Wild.

The signals for all stations and cable channels were restored Saturday before the first pitch of World Series Game 3 on Fox. Cablevision's 3 million mostly New York area households already had missed the first two games of the series, the National League Championship Series and a Philadelphia Eagles football game.

The New York Giants football game that wasn't broadcast didn't matter, because the Giants are sh-t.

"We won. F--k you, Cablevision customers," said Fox, in a press release. "While it'll be our fault that your cable bill is $825.00 a month, feel free to forget your poverty by enjoying such terrific shows as Glee, Raising Hope, Running Wilde and The Cleveland Show on Fox 5, and... um,... whatever crap we broadcast over My9. We... we still own that, right?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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