Disney Princesses Expand to 18 Members; Will Appear on 95% Of Toys 'R Us Inventory, Up From 82%.

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Tuesday, 3 August 2010


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"Dear Ms. Lopez-Disney: We are in receipt of your faxed Cease and Desist letter of even date, and we note its contents..."

There are two greats truths regarding toy merchandise. First, any plastic Chinese-imported piece of sh-t toy is worth 25% more if a Disney Princess appears on it. Second, a five year old girl who is told that she may not have some shiny pink Princesses item will unleash a train whistle-like sound that can jam shortwave radio transmissions.

To that end, the company plans to bolster its position in this market by delving even deeper into their vast movie archive.

"There are so many fantastic Walt Disney properties," said Juanita Lopez-Disney, the former Disney family housekeeper who became Roy Disney's fifth wife. "We haven't squeezed blood from some of those turnips in years."

At present, the Princesses are as follows, in order of cartoon hotness: Pocahontas, Mulan (named after the cookie), Snow White, Cinderella, Timon, Simba, Tiana, Ariel*, Belle, Jasmine and Aurora.

This is not the first time Disney has attempted to bolster the Princesses roster.

In 1997, Nutri-System lobbied to include a recently slimmed down Ursula, from The Little Mermaid. Studio execs stepped in, reminding the public that Ursula was a murderous sociopath, and also spews ink from her anus when angered.

In 2005 TMZ tittilated Disney fans with a racy series of photos entitled "Jessica Rabbit: All Growed Up." Unfortunately, the photos were unused shots from a 1989 photo shoot. In reality, Jessica Rabbit's once slim figure has become more "voluptuous", and years of smoking has left her voice sounding like the exhaust of a bread delivery truck.

Last year, lawyers for Tinker Bell filed a $50 million lawsuit against Disney, demanding that she be included in the Princesses, under the principle that the princess need not be of royal heritage. However, it was decided she was not suited for the series "mythology"

The Court found in favor of Ms. Bell, who now stars in her own Disney franchise, the Disney Fairies.

"They told me that this was to be a 'Tinker Bell-specific' vehicle, " said the fatassed Peter Pan star. "Ten days later, I' sharing dressing room space with Silvermist, Rosetta, Fawn, Iridessa, and Vidia. And Prilla, Queen Clarion, Rani, Beck, Dulcie, Bess, Fira, Lily, Myka, Terence, Iris, Mother Dove, Brother Dove, Kyto, Tutupia, Fufalla, Cinda, Liesel, Rhia, and Grace, Wisp, Elwood, Pluck, Pell, Sera, Trak, Nettle, Tor, Precious, Luna, Angus, Twire, Ginger, Quill Melina, Scarlet, and Violet."

"It's f--king bullsh-t!" exclaimed Tink.

Lopez-Disney expects to see Bedknobs and Broosticks chewable vitamins, Pete's Dragon cereal and Finding Nemo warming personal lubricant by Christmas 2010.

* Since the birth of her daughter Melody, Ariel is now the only Disney Princess that is a MILF.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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