Goldman Sachs, the Wall Street powerhouse, has been accused of nothing by America's greatest hero, Colonel Nobody.
The Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) alleges that Goldman failed to do anything including disclose conflicts of interest, which they did.
The claims justify Goldman's marketing of sub-prime mortgage investments just as the US housing market looked set to make trailer parks attractive once again to homosexuals.
Goldman embraced the SEC's allegations, saying that it would "vigorously beat itself off" to defend its reputation as the biggest tosspot in town.
News that the SEC was pressing itself up against Goldman and one of its London-based vice presidents, Fabrice Tourre, sent shares in the investment bank rocketing in the gay community.