New Dell CEO Given 72 Hours To Live

Funny story written by Rich Lather

Monday, 2 August 2004

AUSTIN, Tx - Kevin Rollins, the newly appointed CEO of Dell, Inc., has reportedly been taken hostage by a group of displaced Dell technical support representatives just hours after his appointment. Following the annual stockholders' meeting Friday, Rollins' limosine was reportedly forced off I-35 by two mini-vans filled with armed men. Information is sketchy, but police stated that Rollins' driver was handcuffed to the steering wheel while Rollins was escorted into one of the mini-vans at gunpoint and placed in the third-row seat, next to the child carrier.

Witnesses reportedly counted at least 10 people, all male and apparently wearing what appeard to be Star Trek uniforms, involved in the abduction. Eric Daily witnessed the abduction and pointed out that the kidnappers' costumes were "those really cheesey 2nd season TNG uniforms with no collars. One doofus was wearing a DS9 uniform with the black shoulders, but it was all wrong because he was wearing a Type-I Phaser from TOS... what a dweeb!" The mini-vans were last seen traveling north on I-35, but authorities were unable to locate them following the abduction.

Dell, Inc. founder and chairman Michael Dell handed over the chief executive's job to president Kevin Rollins on Friday as the computer giant raised its earnings guidance for the second quarter, citing better results from operations and a lower global tax rate. Michael Dell, who started the company in 1984, announced in March that he was stepping down as CEO and made the move official at the company's annual stockholder's meeting.

Federal investigators released footage they obtained from an unnamed source showing Rollin's, dressed in an orange jumpsuit, kneeling before 5 masked gunmen. The tape included a statement from a group of former Dell employees claiming responsibility for Rollin's abduction and promising to execute him if Dell does not cease all outsourcing operations in India within 72 hours.

Sean McCormicck, spokesman for the FBI, on Sunday said that the threats by the militants are not linked to al-Qaida or any other Muslim terrorist organization. They are, however, apparently modeled after the recent events in Irag and are "an awful reminder of the barbaric nature of these terrorists."

"But their acts will not shake the will of corporations exercising their right to outsource jobs to India, where people will perform the same work for pennies on the dollar, work ungodly hours and could care less about benefits," he said.

Arun Saharya, Dell spokesperson, stated that Dell will do everything in its power to ensure Rollins' safe release, however, they are reluctant to negotiate with the alleged terrorists. "We have no intentions," Saharya continued, "of discontinuing our operations in India. While it is true that moving our technical support operations to Calcutta did eliminate a small number of low paying jobs, it has improved Dell's profitability such that we have been able to add many high-paying positions."

Rollins' captors, unhappy after losing their jobs because Dell opted to move facilities to Inda, countered Saharya's claims with documents detailing Dell's cutting over 2,000 positions with annual salaries ranging from $30K to $60K. These positions were supposedly offset with 6 new middle management positions paying almost $80K.

With less than 72 hours left until the deadline, Dell officials are scrambling to find a solution for Rollins' release. Emergency meetings were scheduled back-to-back all weekend. Domino's deliveryman, Darrel Stockman, said he has made over 20 deliveries to the Dell compound in the past 2 days. He added that Dell management never tips, but he gets even. Stockman declined to explain what he meant by that.

At this point, Dell is not commenting on their plan of attack, but several Dell employees who wished to remain anonymous feel that Michael Dell saw this coming and Kevin Rollins is simply the sacrificial lamb. They believe that Michael Dell will be back at the helm in a few days and it will be business as usual.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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