Interest rates to be random

Funny story written by dannline

Sunday, 17 May 2009

image for Interest rates to be random
UK on the road to nowhere - just enjoy the ride

The Bank of England today revealed it would cease setting interest rates - with the cost of borrowing set at random.

Mervyn King, Bank of England top dog, told reporters outside his West London mansion: "In the current economic environment, if interest rates are high or low makes very little difference.

"So the monetary policy committee decided to have a bit of fun, isn't it."

Over the two-day monthly MPC meetings, policymakers will now play a series of drinking games and cake eating contests to decide who will spin the interest rate decision bottle.

Savers have welcomed the move - as current low interest rates mean they are odds on the benefit.

Edith Wrinklecream of Dorset said: "I'm a simple pensioner with £583,000 saved. Random monetary policy will bring monthly bonuses I could pay my electricity bill with."

However, homeowners with tracker mortgages have complained they will no longer be able budget - but it will bring joy to their dull lives.

Mortgage lenders have also welcomed the move.

Ray Boulgering-Eyes, at broker John Paul Ringo Coke'n'Coal, said: "This move makes perfect sense for the housing market. Lenders will want to lend if there is an evens chance of making some money.

"They are just not bothering now as there is little in it for them. Profits on a new mortgage at the moment equal paperwork and bonuses."

The upshot for house prices will be they will rise and fall as interest rates increase and decrease month by month.

Ian McArsejole, estate agent, said: "I am so looking forward to this. People will come and rush and want to buy when rates are low.

"They'll be waiting and waiting for a lucky month and then bongo bingo bango hizzah. Sorry I haven't spoken to anyone for a month, except that time I had to give directions to a Polish guy to Tesco. That was a special day. Thanks so much for calling. Do you want to buy a house? We have one on our book. Really pretty. The book that is, not the house, it's a dump but I'll take any offer - I want out of property I'm going to live with my mum. She's really good and I'll only pay £38 a week rent. she wanted £55, but I brought her down. Really I'll take any offer on the house. I bought it in 2007 for quarter of a million, must be worth 500k now but I'll sell for 57. Go on, be a mate."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot