Publishers to discontinue blow-in cards in magazines, replace with air-drops

Funny story written by ItsNotMyFault

Thursday, 3 May 2007

image for Publishers to discontinue blow-in cards in magazines, replace with air-drops
This guy got caught out in the middle of a leaflet drop

NEW YORK - The American Association of Magazine Publishers (AAMP) announced today that US magazines will no longer contain annoying "blow-in" subscription cards.

In response to widespread complaints, the Association has decided to replace the cards, which litter homes across the country, with air-drops over major US population centers. The air-drops became a popular means of distributing information to citizens of enemy nations during WWII and subsequent armed conflicts.

AAMP President Curtis Lemay, III announced the program today in a radio transmission from aboard a refurbished C-141 Starlifter, loaded with 100 billion subscription cards for Sports Illustrated, Time, Newsweek, and People magazines.

"We're gonna drop these babies right on top of Manhattan, the other four boroughs, Long Island, Westchester, and half of Putnam County! Yee-haa!" said the ebullient Lemay, over the crackle of the airplane's radio.

In a press release, the AAMP said that the New York metro-area air-drop is the first in a series of drops over major US population centers. "By the Fourth of July, America will be so inundated by the blizzard of subscription cards, you won't be able to open your front door!" proclaimed the association.

The Association said that it instituted the program as the result of millions of complaints from magazine readers about the pesky cards, which fell out of magazines by the millions, lilting under sofas, cars parked in driveways, and pianos across the country.

"I threw my back out twice bending over to pick those damn things up!" said disgruntled magazine reader Muriel Apgar of Maple Trace, Kansas, who was treated for lumbar disc problems after getting into a prone position to reach under her car for an errant card caught by the wind as she walked back from the mailbox of her suburban home. "I wrote to the publisher of Ladies Home Journal and said if they didn't stop, I would cancel my subscription."

The AAMP said that, with a predicted yield rate of .000001%, by dropping over ten billion cards across America, US publishers would see a spike of nearly one thousand new subscribers nationwide by year end. "That may not seem like much," said an AAMP spokesman, "but for every new subscriber we bring in, a publisher pays us $2.00, as long as the subscriber does not cancel."

In a separate development, Stephen L. Johnson, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, announced that the Agency plans to award the AAMP it's coveted "Public-Spirited Organization of the Year Award" for 2007, in recognition of the organization's commitment to reducing solid-waste and litter problems across America.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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