Written by Felix Minderbinder

Wednesday, 15 November 2006

image for NewYou Inc. Offers NewHeart, NewBrain and NewLiver Therapies With Stem Cells
Fill that cavity with a NewYou

KALAMAZOO (Reuters) -- NewYou Inc. is a new organ replacement company which offers several innovative therapies based on adult stem cell research.

Headquartered in Kalamazoo, NewYou Inc. seeks to give its patients a new lease on life by allowing them to grow their very own new brains, new hearts and new livers at a reasonable price.

Often the human brain just gets tired and stops working or develops a brain tumor or some other disease and the patient can no longer function. That is where NewBrain therapy enters the picture.

NewYou has developed the ability of extracting human stem cells from small samples of the brain, growing them in vast quantities, and then injecting them into the patient where an entirely new brain forms on the framework of the old one.

The entire process takes only weeks. Extensive testing proves that memories, knowledge, abilities and emotions remain intact while the new brain grows and the old one disintegrates and is excreted.

NewYou has also developed NewHeart and NewLiver stem cell therapies which operate on similar principles.

"I want to thank NewYou Inc. for giving me a new brain and a new heart after my old ones stopped working," said Mrs. Henrietta Hodgeskupper of Albany, New York. "I can remember even more than I did before with my new brain. And I can now run a five minute mile with my new heart. I am very pleased, although my heirs aren't."

"Mrs. Hodgeskupper is just one of hundreds of satisfied patients who have received one or more of our NewYou stem cell therapies," said NewYou President Rodney Ruddlebunker. "We are bringing down the costs of our therapies too and foresee a time when they become routine therapies for everyone."

NewYou is also bringing to market NewKidney, NewBowel, NewTummy, NewJoint, NewSkin and other desirable therapies to benefit the human race.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Medical

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