Identity of BT Bidder Revealed

Funny story written by Stu B

Sunday, 2 April 2006

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Secret Buyer wishes anonimity

Shares in the UK telecommunications giant BT Group rose this morning four per cent on reports that the ex government owned utility could soon become a takeover target.

The Times newspaper reported that several private equity firms were weighing up potential bids for the business but was coy as to the identities of potential bidders

The Spoof has exclusively discovered the identity of the main potential bidder. The ex BT executive asked not to be named from his French château where he has spent his past few months.

"Seence I am between roles at present I thought it would be a laugh to see how much I could buy zem for. Now I know I, have asked for an appointment wiv my bonk manager in ze village to see if he can arrange a loan for the balance of ze funds" said the yoghurt fortune heir. "My friend Tom, who was once very big in CRM, mostly because I bought so much of it from him said he could spare a couple of mill if I am 'ard oop"

One telecoms expert said that the complex structure of a potential £20bn bid and BT's pension liabilities may deter would-be bidders.

"Ah oui, ze pension debt would be a leetle beet of a problem, i depend on that cheque every month at ze moment to pay for ze pool boy" he added in a his comedy accent.

BT said the reports were "completely and utterly speculative", adding that it had not received any approaches although a note wrapped around a brick and hurled through the revolving doors oftheir london headquarters did spell out a high level bid with letters cut from copies of Le Figaro and Hello magazine.

BT's shares were up 8.5 pence or, 4%, at 216.5p at lunchtime. Senior BT execs cancelled meetings to phone their brokers and their nearest Bentley dealers. They then fell sharply again as word spread of the identity of the buyer.

BT recently reported better-than-expected third quarter profits of £1.38bn, boosted by strong sales of internet services and a through check down the back of all the sofas in reception for any loose change.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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