Female Hormones Found in Beer

Funny story written by churchmouse

Tuesday, 8 November 2011


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Case study number 5 bravely making to the supermarket for more lager

Results of a recent study have shown that beer contains levels of female hormones significantly high enough to affect the behaviour of male drinkers.

While moderate amounts of alcohol have little or no visible effect on drinkers, the study found that the build up of female hormones imbibed via the consumption of large quantities of beer and other alcoholic drinks, produced in male drinkers clear signs of a shifting of male characteristics to that of the female.

Professor Toby Cobbold of Burton University outlined the findings that he had made following his five year study into the behavioural patterns of regular drinkers.

"It appears that one pint of beer has little or no effect on the consumer" said Professor Cobbold. "But after two pints of beer, it was noticeable that male drinkers became less miserable and showed signs of cheerfulness, thereby displaying characteristics more normally found in women."

"After three pints, male drinkers also became more talkative, and would give opinions on subjects that they knew nothing about."

"After four pints, the individuals studied became more tactile. At this point they would be much more inclined to put an arm around another male's shoulder."

"Five pints induced male drinkers to explore their artistic side, usually in the form of community singing."

"At the six pint level, male drinkers would display open affection to others. This would be exhibited generally as verbal endearments. The most common being 'yer me bestest mate, you are' and 'I luv you, yer daft bastard'."

"The evidence of a build up of female hormones is even more striking once the drinker gets to the seven or eight pint level. At this stage most male drinkers find that they are incapable of reading a map or reversing a car properly."

Although these are all short term psychological symptoms brought on by the rapid consumption of alcohol, Professor Cobbold's study also shows that heavy drinking over long periods also induced physical female characteristics.

"We found that male drinkers who consumed large amounts of beer over an extended time frame started to wear trousers with elasticated waists, and they would also visit the shops more often than normal. But most striking was the evidence that a significant proportion of them had also started to develop breasts."

The brewing and distilling industry has been quick to act on the findings of Professor Cobbold's report. - International Amalgamated Brewers are understood to be working on a 'touchy-feely' strong lager, believed to be code-named 'Kitten-soft'. While Amalgamated International Distillers will shortly be launching a new branded vodka with a free knitting patten printed on each bottle.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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