WASHINGTON, D.C. - There has been all kinds of innuendo, speculation, and rumors as to who would be the first player from one of the four professional sports to come out of the closet. Well ladies and gentlemen, you can hold your calls as we have...
In a unheard of show of solidarity the entire American population got together and decided to fire the US Government for inept performance and incompetent representation. One group started a blog called, US Politicians are Self Serving, Entitled,...
As Washington state suffering from budget cuts, tries to fund it's many prison reform programs, new and inventive ways have been instituted to do so. Marijuana, the state's newly legal cash crop has been chosen as the drug of choice to fill the b...
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Now that the states of Colorado and Washington have voted to legalize marijuana, word coming out of Congress is that they will be considering a bill that will place a tax on pot. Senator Shelia P. Fluckaminski [R-Arizona] will b...
LOS ANGELES - The word on the streets of LaLaLand is that a disgruntled ex-Laker player went down to Lake Charles, Louisiana, and paid the world's most infamous voodoo woman Lottie Jo Lafayette to put a magic curse on the Lakers. And apparently it...
DALLAS - Derek Fisher, who has five NBA Championship rings, has been waived by the Dallas Mavericks. The 38-year-old veteran was apparently told by team owner Mark "Money Boy" Cuban that a deal was in the works where he was going to be traded to t...
John Posey of Bent Creek in Washington State says he remembers telling his friends that he intended to vote to legalize marijuana when that initiative was offered on the November 6th ballot. However, Mr. Posey also stated that he got high on some...
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The organizers of The Million Muppet March say that the event is gaining momentum daily. Michael "Gonzo" Bellavia and Chris "Fozzie Bear" Mecham say that they decided to put the march together after hearing Mitt "The Flip Floppe...
SEATTLE, Washington (ABSNN) - Voters are poised to pass Washington State Initiative 502, a law that will allow licensed pot shops to sell taxed and inspected marijuana. When passed by voters there will no longer be a state penalty for smoking dope.
Special to TPN - Chairman Deborah Hearseman of the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) announced that several major U.S. cities will test the practicality of constructing separate cell-phone lanes on interstate highways. The purpose of this...
What are you doing tonight? "Yea, man, like let's go down to Washington DC and par-tay in George Town! I mean, were going to have a great time, have a few brewskis, find some ladies! Let's roll!" The Reality First you go down to George Town and your ride is a geeky friends 1991 Volkswagen rabbit. You sit in traffic for an hour to get into George Town and then you can't find a parking spac...
Washington,D.C.-The nation is on pins and needles awaiting the most important decision of the Supreme Court's current term: whether to grant clemency to chronic parking scofflaw Adam Click. The case involves the long running battle between Mr. Cli...
White House sources admitted, late Tooosday [Gesundheit! -Ed], that it's just not worth it. Said spokesman Ed Havenuff, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have to face facts. The World finds itself trying to navigate a well-known stream without a means of...
Congratulations! Your fresh out of collage, and you have decided to embark on a career as a Capitol Hill lobbyist. One of many things that you must always keep forefront in your mind is that you are joining the ranks of an exclusive prestigious club where access is earned through hard work and using your head. There is much to be gained if you are up to the task at hand. The people who you wil...
Washington, DC - Faced with declining poll numbers and a withering economy, President Barack Obama has dropped Vice President Joe Biden from the Democratic presidential election ticket, selecting Apple's digital assistant Siri as his new running mate...
I was having a really bad day so I jumped off the ledge of the building I worked at and was making my way toward the ground when this pigeon comes flying up beside me, feverishly flapping his wings to keep up with my descent. "Hey stupid?" The pigeon yelled out. Surprised, I looked over at the rat with feathers and replied. "I didn't know pigeons could talk?" "Yea, well it's not like we...
WASHINGTON -- Determined to put a dent in the national debt, the House of Representatives has voted to sell the White House. The Senate quickly jumped on debt reduction bandwagon but held out for the less radical idea of simply mortgaging the Whi...
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