My friend Shylock Humes stood before the fireplace in his smoking jacket. I shook my head. "Come away from the fire, Humes", I adjured. "I told you you would catch fire if you stood so close." Before my friend could answer, the doorbell rang. To be more accurate, someone rang it. We did once try a self-ringing doorbell, which I had purchased from an ininerant self-ringing doorbell hawker, but w...
Authorities in Guangdong, China, today admitted that they have been unable to identify the 65 foot sea monster that washed up on a beach there a couple of days ago, but they have confirmed that it stinks to high heaven. The creature, which vaguely...
Confusion surrounded the small market town of Ashby-de-la-douche last week as two men in blue overcoats attempted, and failed to deliver a 100 tonne blue whale to a Mr. Nobody. All seemed well up until the point where they had to physically place...
My friend Shylock Humes looked at our remarkable visitor, Captain, or Professor, Goosefoundling - for it was indeed he - and spoke directly. His voice was like the crowing of a cock on a summer morning in Norfolk, when the sun begins to burnish the enormous sky and the windmills glow like rare moonstones. Fifteen minutes later, we had begun to tire of these farmyard impressions. My personal...
My friend Shylock Humes sat by the fireside in his favourite armchair, with his legs pulled up and his arms wrapped about his knees. He was coiled and taut, his head sunken into his gaunt shoulders. That recent training with contortionist Roberto the Rubberman of Bounder Brothers Circus was already paying off. Humes was staring at our extraordinary visitor, Captain, or Professor, Goosefoundling...
Shylock Humes was curled up in his chair like a coiled serpent. Why on earth he chose to have a piece of furniture shaped like a snake I had no idea. But that was my friend all over. His things were always all over the place. He used to leave his papers, smoking accoutrements and clothing lying all over the sitting room. Clutter was his middle name. Actually, it was Horatio, after the famous Admir...
Western Isles Tourism 0fficer Donald MacDonald bemoaned the news that a pod of pilot whales ,previously stranded in a loch in South Uist, has started to head for open water. The whales had been close to beaching in Loch Carnan after becoming diso...
BY SQUEAKY THE WHALE Look, thanks. Firstly, just thank you. You really have gotten into gear to save my species, you humans. Stopping the Japanese fishermen, stopping people from skinning us. Thanks. But, really... you're still killing us, unwittingly. It's great, letting us back into the wild. My cousin, Larry, was in the Aqautic London Zoo. Airlifted to Alaska. Great place. One problem.
A whaling activist group has been dealt a heavy blow after a pod of whales rammed their boat 'Drew Carey' in South American seas this afternoon. The boat sank immediately with the loss of all hands on board. The Drew Carey had been tailing the Ja...
Sunglasses manufacturers are urgently seeking talks with a team of scientists working on the effects sun on whales. The Sun's rays can "burn" whales' skin, just like they can damage human skin, according to the researchers. The scientists stud...
Rutland Island, Burtonport - (Malware): The cybervirus that sank HMS Preposterous the other week has now claimed another scalp - 33 pilot whale nursing mothers and their young. Their lifeless corpses were washed ashore off the Scottish coast this...
Animal rights groups are protesting the latest dress made especially for hefty actress Kirstie Alley which is made entirely from whale skin. "I'm not out to offend anyone", stated Ms. Alley. "I figured that if Lady Gaga can wear a meat dress, I ca...
As activist's approached a Japanese whaling vessel, the crew was stunned at what they saw: Poor innocent kittens attached to commercial grade hooks to entice whales. "These whalers have really stepped over the line!" said an angry protester nam...
The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed today the identity to be that of Different Strokes star Gary Coleman, 42, and is considering his death an intercranial hemorrhage. For days local residence thought Gary Coleman was actually the fecal rem...
JERUSALEM - The appearance of a grey whale off the coast of Israel has stunned scientists, in what was thought to be the first time the giant mammal has been seen outside the Pacific in several hundred years. The whale, which was first sighted off...
A proposal aimed at bridging the split between whales and sharks will almost certainly come to King Neptune for a decision this year. Sources say it could involve sharks accepting quotas below current levels; but Iceland is opposing proposed catch...
A surprise declaration by the International Whaling Commission, issued today, states that Japan has agreed to halve its whaling quota next year. The statement was confirmed by the Japaneses Sushi Minister, Mr Eetsa Lotafish, who said "Japan is sen...
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